<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto">Begin forwarded message:<br><div dir="ltr"><br></div><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><b>From:</b> The Borowitz Report <<a href="mailto:NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com">NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com</a>><br><b>Date:</b> December 31, 2018 at 6:49:17 AM PST<br><b>To:</b> <a href="mailto:thansen@moscow.com">thansen@moscow.com</a><br><b>Subject:</b> <b>ADV: Happy New Year from Mueller</b><br><b>Reply-To:</b> <a href="mailto:NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com">NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com</a><br><br></div></blockquote><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr">
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<span class="teaser" style="color: #FFFFFF;">Special holiday wishes from the special counsel, Robert Mueller, to Borowitz Report readers.</span><br>
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<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">My fellow-Americans,</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">As we count down to the New Year, I think I know exactly what would make 2019 super happy for you! (Believe me, I’m working on it.)</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Meanwhile, I thought I’d ring out the old by sharing some of my favorite Borowitz Reports from 2018. There were so many to choose from that it was hard to pick an “individual one.” (Get it? LOL.) I hope you enjoy these stories. And remember: if you have any hot tips for me in 2019, call my toll-free number, 1-800-<em class="small" style="font-style: inherit; font-variant: small-caps; text-transform: lowercase;">TELLBOB</em>. (Oh, and don’t give me any tips on Don, Jr. I already have enough on him.)</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Cheers!</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Robert Mueller</p>
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<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; line-height: 125%;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; font-size: 36px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.11; padding-top: 10px; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump Family Flees to Moscow<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; font-size: 18px; line-height: 1.44; color: #121212; padding-bottom: 20px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump reportedly was in a tremendous hurry to catch the plane and left behind only a one-sentence note, reading, “THERE WAS NO COLUSION [sic].”<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-bottom: 30px;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b6c4c022658d20b7ea7b104/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-RepublicanPrisonSeats.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b6c4c022658d20b7ea7b104/1:1/w_250%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-RepublicanPrisonSeats.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b6c4c022658d20b7ea7b104/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-RepublicanPrisonSeats.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b6c4c022658d20b7ea7b104/1:1/w_750%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-RepublicanPrisonSeats.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="U.S. Representative Chris Collins with his wife Mary a news conference in response to his arrest." role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; display: block; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;">
<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]-->
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<td valign="middle" class="item-content" style="mso-table-lspace: 0pt; mso-table-rspace: 0pt; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, sans-serif; color: #222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 125%; text-align: left; max-width: 100vw;" align="left">
<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Republicans Projected to Pick up Seventy Seats in Prison<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<td valign="middle" class="item-content" style="mso-table-lspace: 0pt; mso-table-rspace: 0pt; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, sans-serif; color: #222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 125%; text-align: left; max-width: 100vw;" align="left">
<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Kushner Close to Obtaining Clearance for Other Government Facility<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Although the facility lacks some of the prestige of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, food and lodging would be funded by the taxpayer.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b154e976578453e0af9f97d/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Lawyers-Argue-Cannot-Impeach.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b154e976578453e0af9f97d/1:1/w_250%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Lawyers-Argue-Cannot-Impeach.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b154e976578453e0af9f97d/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Lawyers-Argue-Cannot-Impeach.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b154e976578453e0af9f97d/1:1/w_750%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Lawyers-Argue-Cannot-Impeach.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="" role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; display: block; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;">
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<td valign="middle" class="item-content" style="mso-table-lspace: 0pt; mso-table-rspace: 0pt; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, sans-serif; color: #222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 125%; text-align: left; max-width: 100vw;" align="left">
<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump’s Lawyers Argue That He Cannot Be Impeached Because He Was Never Actually Elected<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“A person referred to in a subpoena as ‘President’ Donald J. Trump simply does not exist,” the memo claimed.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5aa92db797563e19f81ceef9/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Tillerson-Trump-Impeached-Twitter.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5aa92db797563e19f81ceef9/1:1/w_250%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Tillerson-Trump-Impeached-Twitter.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5aa92db797563e19f81ceef9/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Tillerson-Trump-Impeached-Twitter.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5aa92db797563e19f81ceef9/1:1/w_750%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Tillerson-Trump-Impeached-Twitter.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="" role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; display: block; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;">
<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]-->
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<td valign="middle" class="item-content" style="mso-table-lspace: 0pt; mso-table-rspace: 0pt; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, sans-serif; color: #222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 125%; text-align: left; max-width: 100vw;" align="left">
<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Rex Tillerson: I Hope Trump Finds Out He’s Impeached on Twitter<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Tillerson started laughing in what some witnesses described as a demonic manner as he imagined it.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE2ODQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NTg3OQS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]-->
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