<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto">Begin forwarded message:<br><div dir="ltr"><br></div><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><b>From:</b> The Borowitz Report <<a href="mailto:NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com">NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com</a>><br><b>Date:</b> December 24, 2018 at 6:33:43 AM PST<br><b>To:</b> <a href="mailto:thansen@moscow.com">thansen@moscow.com</a><br><b>Subject:</b> <b>ADV: Melania’s Holiday Letter</b><br><b>Reply-To:</b> <a href="mailto:NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com">NewYorker@newsletter.newyorker.com</a><br><br></div></blockquote><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr">


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<span class="teaser" style="color: #FFFFFF;">Exclusive to the Borowitz Report: a special letter from the First Lady to the American people.</span><br>
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<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Dear Americans,</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">At this holiday time of season, the Trump family gathers at Mar-a-Lago and I make sure to be somewhere else. You see, I am busy writing my memoir, which I call “Becoming.” Meanwhile, I want to share with you some of my favorite Borowitz Reports from 2018. It’s always a happy time when Borowitz Report appears in my e-mail, because I know it will make husband look bad (LOL).</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Enjoy! And I hope your holidays Be Best.</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Your Queen,</p>
<p style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.44; text-align: left; color: #121212;">Melania Trump</p>
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<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; line-height: 125%;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; font-size: 36px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.11; padding-top: 10px; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump Says He Has No Idea Who F.B.I. Informant Might Be<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left; font-size: 18px; line-height: 1.44; color: #121212; padding-bottom: 20px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“I’ve been trying to figure out who would have the opportunity and the motive to do something like this,” Trump said. “But I keep coming up empty.”<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
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By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-1-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=16&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” one Californian said. “I just want my check, too.”<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-1" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=17&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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</a>
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<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Bezos Says That When Pee Tape Is Released It Will Be Free for All Amazon Prime Members<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->The Amazon founder acknowledged that the tape had not surfaced yet but said that the company was “working around the clock to make that happen.”<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-2" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=14&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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</a>
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<!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-image" target="_blank"><![endif]-->
<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b92f6e42baa30258f02ea64/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Entering-Crazytown.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b92f6e42baa30258f02ea64/1:1/w_250%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Entering-Crazytown.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b92f6e42baa30258f02ea64/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Entering-Crazytown.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5b92f6e42baa30258f02ea64/1:1/w_750%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-Trump-Entering-Crazytown.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="Donald Trump." role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; display: block; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;">
<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]-->
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<td valign="middle" class="item-content" style="mso-table-lspace: 0pt; mso-table-rspace: 0pt; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, sans-serif; color: #222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 125%; text-align: left; max-width: 100vw;" align="left">
<span class="rubric" style="margin: 0; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; color: #df3331; padding-right: 18px; display: block; line-height: normal; padding-bottom: 10px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump Demands to Know Who Put “Entering Crazytown” Sign on Oval Office Door<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->The President reportedly noticed the sign on Friday morning and became enraged after asking Kellyanne Conway to read what it said to him.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: #333333; margin-top: 12px; margin-bottom: 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-3" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=13&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5bb4ce1bc2c27a2d8519f0a1/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-TrumpScaryTime.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5bb4ce1bc2c27a2d8519f0a1/1:1/w_250%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-TrumpScaryTime.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5bb4ce1bc2c27a2d8519f0a1/1:1/w_500%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-TrumpScaryTime.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5bb4ce1bc2c27a2d8519f0a1/1:1/w_750%2Cc_limit/Borowitz-TrumpScaryTime.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="Donald Trump speaks to reporters." role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; display: block; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;">
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<h3 class="hed" style="margin: 0; padding: 0; text-align: left; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.14; font-weight: normal; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Trump Says It’s a Very Scary Time for Men, Because Women Can Vote Them Out of Office<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h3>
<p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; margin: 1em 0 0; margin-top: .5em; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.38; color: #121212;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“You can do or say something that women don’t like, and suddenly millions of women will come out of the woodwork and vote against you,” Trump said. “I think it’s a disgrace.”<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
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By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a   name="container-2-item-4" href="http://links.newyorker.mkt4334.com/ctt?kn=10&ms=MTQ4MjE3MTQS1&r=MTMzMTgyNTUyMDQxS0&b=0&j=MTU0MTU1NjA2MwS2&mt=1&rt=0" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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