<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto">Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:<div><br></div><div><a href="https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Kellys-Revenge" target="_blank" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Kellys-Revenge</a></div><div><br></div><div>———————————————</div><div><div><h1 style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-family: Irvin-Heading; font-size: 44px; font-weight: normal; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 48px; vertical-align: baseline; text-transform: uppercase; text-align: center;">JOHN KELLY DEPARTS WHITE HOUSE WITH NUCLEAR CODES HIDDEN IN PANTS</h1></div><div><br></div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The outgoing chief of staff, John Kelly, departed the White House with the nation’s nuclear codes hidden in his pants, General Kelly has confirmed.</div><div><br></div><div>Kelly, whose illustrious military career spanned five decades, called his absconding with the nuclear codes “my greatest act of service to my country.”</div><div><br></div><div>Speaking to reporters from his home, Kelly said that he had planned the heist of the nation’s nuclear codes with the pinpoint timing of a clandestine military mission.</div><div><br></div><div>“I went into the Oval Office on Friday when I knew Trump would be distracted because ‘Fox & Friends’ was on,” he said. “Then, when he started tweeting something that one of the hosts told him to do, I slipped the codes into my pants, as quick as lightning.”</div><div><br></div><div>Kelly revealed that, in order to prevent Trump from retrieving the codes, he was keeping them in his pants for safekeeping.</div><div><br></div><div>“Let’s see that draft-dodging coward try to get them off me,” he said, his eyes gleaming with malice.</div></div><div><br></div><div>———————————————<br><br><div dir="ltr"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></body></html>