<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div><span></span></div><div>Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:<div><br></div><div><a href="https://tinyurl.com/Trumps-Slurred-Speech" target="_blank" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">https://tinyurl.com/Trumps-Slurred-Speech</a><br><div><br></div><div>———————————————</div><div><span style="font-family: "Irvin Heading", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 44px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Trump’s Slurred Speech Tied to Low Battery in Putin’s Remote</span></div><div><div><br></div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J.Trump slurred his speech during his announcement about Jerusalem on Wednesday because of “low-battery issues” with Vladimir Putin’s remote, the White House said on Friday.</div><div><br></div><div>Speaking to the White House press corps, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump’s slurred speech was “a case of what happens when President Putin doesn’t change the batteries in his remote frequently enough.”</div><div><br></div><div>“President Trump makes public appearances several times a day,” Sanders said. “In the course of those appearances, President Putin’s remote can drain its battery very quickly.”</div><div><br></div><div>Calling Putin’s remote-control operation of Trump “far from glitch-free,” Sanders said that there have also been problems with the Russian leader’s attempts to control Trump’s thumbs when he tweets in the early-morning hours.</div><div><br></div><div>“Sometimes President Putin has tried to operate President Trump’s thumbs and there has been the same low-battery issue,” she said. “This has resulted in random capital letters, misspellings, and, in some cases, gibberish.”</div><div><br></div><div>Sanders scolded the press for speculating that Trump’s slurred speech was the result of problems with dentures or his brain. “We are working with tech support to resolve the issue,” she said.</div></div><div><br></div><div>———————————————<br><br><div id="AppleMailSignature"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></div></div></body></html>