<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div><span></span></div><div><div>Courtesy of the New Yorker at:</div><div><br></div><div><a href="http://tinyurl.com/McConnell-Low-White-Count-Vote" target="_blank" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">http://tinyurl.com/McConnell-Low-White-Count-Vote</a></div><div><br></div><div>--------------------------------</div><div><div><h1 class="ArticleHeader__hed___GPB7e" data-reactid="91" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-size: 44px; margin: 20px 0px 0px; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: geometricPrecision; font-family: 'Irvin Heading', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.09; min-height: 1px; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px; position: relative; -webkit-box-flex: 0; flex: 0 0 83.33332824707031%; max-width: 83.33332824707031%; width: 853.328125px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count</h1></div><div><br></div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.</div><div><br></div><div>Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty and he had gone into shock.</div><div><br></div><div>Dr. Harland Dorrinson, a physician at Walter Reed who is monitoring McConnell’s condition, called his low white-vote count “very serious.”</div><div><br></div><div>“Mitch McConnell needs a white-vote count of at least fifty in order to function,” he said. “If it falls below fifty and stays there for an extended period of time, he cannot survive.”</div><div><br></div><div>Efforts to boost the Senate Majority Leader’s white-vote count have so far proved fruitless, as doctors acknowledged that they have been unable to find additional white votes that are compatible with McConnell.</div><div><br></div><div>McConnell was first rushed to Walter Reed after showing symptoms commonly associated with a low white-vote count, including a feeling of hopelessness and uncontrollable sobbing.</div></div><div><br></div><div>--------------------------------<br><br><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></div></body></html>