<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div>Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:</div><div><br></div><div><span style="text-decoration: underline; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/Lives-Have-Improved">http://tinyurl.com/Lives-Have-Improved</a></span></div><div><br></div><div>---------------------------------</div><div><h1 class="title" itemprop="headline" style="border: 0px; padding: 0px; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: geometricprecision; font-size: 38px; font-family: 'Irvin Heading', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-transform: uppercase; line-height: 1.1; letter-spacing: -0.05rem; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 5px 0px 12px !important; font-variant-ligatures: none !important;">AMERICANS OVERWHELMINGLY SAY LIVES HAVE IMPROVED SINCE KELLYANNE CONWAY WENT AWAY</h1></div><div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An overwhelming majority of Americans say that their lives have improved since Kellyanne Conway went away, a new poll finds.</div><div><br></div><div>According to the poll, Americans have been sleeping more, eating better, and enjoying a markedly greater sense of well-being following Conway’s sudden departure.</div><div><br></div><div>“I had lost my zest for life,” Carol Foyler, a poll respondent, said. “Now that Kellyanne Conway is gone, I greet every day with a smile, I feel my energy coming back, and I want to have sex again.”</div><div><br></div><div>Across the nation, medical professionals have reported striking improvements in patients’ mental health since the White House counsellor vanished, a phenomenon some doctors are calling the Conway Effect.</div><div><br></div><div>“Over the last few months, we had incorrectly diagnosed a number of patients with a host of psychiatric disorders,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, the head of psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said. “It turns out it was just Kellyanne.”</div><div><br></div><div>Conway’s disappearance, however, has not been an unalloyed boon, because in some patients it has stirred “severe anxiety” that she might someday return “without warning,” Logsdon said.</div><div><br></div><div>“For patients who are worried about Kellyanne Conway coming back, I prescribe mindfulness,” Logsdon said. “Regard every day without Kellyanne Conway as a gift. Savor it. Cherish it.”</div></div><div><br></div><div>---------------------------------<br><br><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></body></html>