<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div><span></span></div><div><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><div><span></span></div><div><div>Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><span style="text-decoration: underline; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/jkjdeao">http://tinyurl.com/jkjdeao</a></span></div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">--------------------------------</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><div id="AppleMailSignature"><h1 class="title" itemprop="headline" style="border: 0px; padding: 0px; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: geometricprecision; font-size: 38px; font-family: 'Irvin Heading', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-transform: uppercase; line-height: 1.1; letter-spacing: -0.05rem; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 5px 0px 12px !important; font-variant-ligatures: none !important;">SCIENTISTS BAFFLED BY MCCONNELL AND RYAN’S ABILITY TO STAND UPRIGHT WITHOUT SPINES</h1></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “medical mystery of the first order,” scientists are baffled by the ability of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan to stand upright without the benefit of spines.</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both Republicans for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes McConnell and Ryan anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.”</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">As the Minnesota scientists have struggled to solve the medical conundrum presented by the two invertebrate leaders, one theory that has gained traction is what Logsdon calls “the startled-deer hypothesis.”</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">“Just as a deer freezes in the headlights of a car and briefly appears statue-like, we believe that Ryan and McConnell’s bodies may retain their rigid structure out of terror alone,” he said. “In other words, fear is performing the function that a spine performs in other people.”</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">Calling it “just a theory,” Logsdon said that the anatomies of McConnell and Ryan require further study, and that there was growing public support for both men to be dissected.</div></div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br></div><div id="AppleMailSignature">--------------------------------</div><div id="AppleMailSignature"><br><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></div></body></html>