<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div><span></span></div><div><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><div>Courtesy of the New Yorker at:</div><div><br></div><div><a href="http://tinyurl.com/Trump-Drug-Test" target="_blank" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">http://tinyurl.com/Trump-Drug-Test</a></div><div><br></div><div>--------------------------------</div><div><div><h1 class="title" itemprop="headline" style="border: 0px; margin: 5px 0px 2px; padding: 0px; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: geometricprecision; font-size: 38px; font-family: 'Irvin Heading', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-transform: uppercase; line-height: 1.1; letter-spacing: -0.05rem;">NATION FEARS DRUG TEST WOULD REVEAL TRUMP not on drugs</h1></div><div><br></div><div>NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s suggestion that both Presidential candidates submit to a drug test has sparked fears that such a test would reveal that he is not on drugs.</div><div><br></div><div>In interviews conducted across the country, voters said that they would be “alarmed†and “distressed†to learn that the billionaire’s statements and actions were the product of a mind unaltered in any way by a controlled substance.</div><div><br></div><div>“It never occurred to me that Donald Trump might not be on drugs,†Carol Foyler, an accountant from Toledo, Ohio, said. “That would be terrifying.â€</div><div><br></div><div>Harland Dorrinson, a mechanic from St. Petersburg, Florida, said that the chilling possibility of Trump not being on drugs was a strong argument against submitting the candidates to drug testing. “If it turns out that he isn’t on anything, this is something that the American people shouldn’t have to find out,†he said. “We’ve suffered enough this election.â€</div><div><br></div><div>Concerns that Trump might not be on drugs led the nominee’s running mate, Governor Mike Pence, of Indiana, to allay voters’ anxieties in an appearance on Fox News. “All Donald Trump said was that there should be drug tests,†Pence said. “He never explicitly said that he was not on drugs. The media has really run away with this story.â€</div></div><div><br></div><div>_________________________________<br><br><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></div></body></html>