<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div>Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:</div><div><br></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/Pence-Opens-VP-Debate" target="_blank">http://tinyurl.com/Pence-Opens-VP-Debate</a></span></div><div><div><br></div></div><div>--------------------------------</div><div><div><h1 class="title" itemprop="headline" style="border: 0px; margin: 5px 0px 2px; padding: 0px; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; text-rendering: geometricprecision; font-size: 38px; font-family: 'Irvin Heading', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-transform: uppercase; line-height: 1.1; letter-spacing: -0.05rem;">PENCE OPENS V.P. DEBATE BY BEGGING PRIVATE SECTOr to hire him</h1></div><div><br></div><div>FARMVILLE, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Mike Pence, stunned a national television audience on Tuesday night by using his opening statement in the Vice-Presidential debate to beg the nation’s private sector for a job.</div><div><br></div><div>Shortly after the moderator, Elaine Quijano, told Pence that he had two minutes to make his statement, the Indiana governor looked directly into the camera and said, “I’m going to get right down to it. If you run a company and you’re watching this right now, I beg you from the bottom of my heart to consider hiring me. I need a job and I need it bad.”</div><div><br></div><div>Pence urged employers to consider his many qualifications and to ignore his role in the 2016 Republican campaign. “As God is my witness, I take no responsibility for this dumpster fire,” he said.</div><div><br></div><div>Stressing the urgency of his situation, Pence said that his political career was in ruins and pleaded with employers to visit his LinkedIn profile.</div><div><br></div><div>As the moderator warned Pence that his time was up, he shouted, “I can start Wednesday, November 9th!” before the camera abruptly cut away.</div><div><br></div><div>According to published reports, no employers expressed immediate interest in hiring Pence.</div></div><div><br></div><div>-------------------------------</div><div><br><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></body></html>