<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div><span></span></div><div><div>Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:</div><div><br></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/Koch-Brothers-to-Buy-First-Dem" target="_blank">http://tinyurl.com/Koch-Brothers-to-Buy-First-Dem</a></span></div><div><div><br></div></div><div>-------------------------------</div><div><div><span style="font-family: adobe-caslon-pro, Times, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"></span><h1 itemprop="name" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-family: ny-irvin-heading, 'Times New Roman', Times, Georgia, serif; font-size: 3rem; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 3.8rem; vertical-align: baseline; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Koch Brothers Consider Purchasing First Democrat</h1></div><div><br></div><div>WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Charles and David Koch, the billionaire industrialists who have spent decades acquiring a world-class collection of Republicans, revealed over the weekend that they are considering purchasing their first Democrat.</div><div><br></div><div>“We’ve always bought Republicans, and our father bought Republicans before us,” Charles, the elder Koch, said. “They’re bred to be obedient, and they respond to simple commands.”</div><div><br></div><div>He said that he and his brother had considered acquiring a Democrat only after determining that none of the Republicans on offer this year was worth adding to their collection.</div><div><br></div><div>“It’s kind of a scary proposition for us, because we’ve never owned a Democrat before,” he said. “We don’t really know what we should be looking for.”</div><div><br></div><div>Koch said that he and his brother learned, after making some phone calls, that other oligarchs have bought Democrats in the past, and “had good experiences with them.”</div><div><br></div><div>“That was very reassuring,” he said.</div><div><br></div><div>But he bemoaned the absence of online consumer reviews that could help people who are, like him and his brother, interested in purchasing a Democrat for the very first time. “Yelp needs to jump on this,” he said.</div><div><br></div><div>While acknowledging the risk inherent in owning their first Democrat, Koch said that it would probably turn out to be a better investment than some of the Republicans they have recently purchased. “It can’t be worse than Scott Walker,” he said.</div></div><div><br></div><div>-------------------------------<br><br><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div> </div></div></div></div></body></html>