<html><head></head><body bgcolor="#FFFFFF"><div></div><div>Courtesy of The Onion News at:</div><div><br></div><div><a href="http://www.theonion.com">http://www.theonion.com</a></div><div><br></div><div>-------------------------------------</div><div><br></div><h2 class="title" style="zoom: 1; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 3px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 0px; font: normal normal bold 27px/normal Georgia, serif; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 17px;">Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'</span></font></h2><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 17px;"><br></span></font></div><img src="cid:FA5CF3B4-3D11-4BA9-9F9D-03549B3466F1" alt="image.jpeg" id="FA5CF3B4-3D11-4BA9-9F9D-03549B3466F1" width="635" height="357"><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"><br></span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the</span><span class="s2">ultraprogressive</span><span class="s2"> minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new </span><a name="_GoBack"></a><span class="s2">age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">“My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” Obama bellowed from the stage, as thousands in attendance moaned in compliance and </span><span class="s2">gyrated</span><span class="s2"> their hips and groins in a lascivious dance. “Together, as a barbarian people forged by the wicked flames of </span><span class="s2">irreligiosity</span><span class="s2"> and united by visions of a liberal dystopia, we will rise up as one to scorch the earth with boundless amorality.”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">“The streets shall run red with the blood of forced sodomy, performed daily upon every American man, woman, and child!” the commander-in-chief shouted, froth forming around his mouth as the crowd threw hundreds of aborted fetuses onto the stage. “Die, Christians, die!”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">Slamming his fists on the lectern until his hands began to </span><span class="s2">bleed,</span><span class="s2">Obama proceeded to lay out a “three-point plan of sin and lechery” for his second term. If reelected, the president said, he would begin by banning organized religion entirely—starting with Christianity—and burning all churches to the ground, preferably “with their wretched, Jesus-loving congregants still huddled inside like rats.”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">As members of the audience violently tugged at their genitals and howled like sex-starved, atheist wolves, Obama stated that his administration would then seek to make free, taxpayer-funded abortions legal at any stage of pregnancy, even up to one full year after birth, in order to supply his newly created “federal stem-cell harvesting plants” with raw materials.</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">In addition, the cackling president vowed to “end traditional marriage as we know it” by passing legislation that would allow only homosexuals to raise children, a longtime Democratic policy goal.</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">“A glorious new age of sinister, unconstrained liberalism is dawning! Oh, dear Satan, I can feel it coursing through my veins at this very moment!” shrieked Obama, ripping off his shirt to reveal an ornate tattoo of a pentagram, with a different homosexual act positioned at each of the star’s five points. “Agnosticism, contempt for human life, and radical sexual experimentation shall rule the day! Any good, virtuous, family-values-oriented Christian Americans who seek to topple our magnificent liberal kingdom of eternal darkness will be powerless to stop us! We will crush them!”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">Added Obama, “Thank you, may Satan reward you all, and may God tremble in fear at the United States of America!”</span></p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2"></span> </p><p class="s3" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; "><span class="s2">The president was then handed an unbaptized, orphaned newborn baby drenched in the blood of 666 slaughtered Christians, which he handed over to its new, gleefully squealing homosexual parents.</span></p><div><br></div><div>------------------------------------<br><br>Seeya Sunday, Moscow.<div><br></div><div>Tom Hansen</div><div>Wallace, Idaho</div><div><br></div><div>"We're a town of about 23,000 with 10,000 college students. The college students are not very active in local elections (thank goodness!)."</div><div><br></div><div>- Dale Courtney (March 28, 2007)</div></div></body></html>