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<div class="timestamp">July 6, 2012</div>
<h1>Our Political Black Hole</h1>
<span><h6 class="byline">By <a rel="author" href="http://topics.nytimes.com/top/opinion/editorialsandoped/oped/columnists/gailcollins/index.html" title="More Articles by GAIL COLLINS" class="meta-per">GAIL COLLINS</a></h6>
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<p>
Scientists in Geneva announced this week that they had found a new
subatomic particle that they were 99.999999 percent sure was the elusive
Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God particle.” Even though we had no
earthly idea what that meant, we were definitely excited. </p>
<p>
It’s given us so much to think about: how existence began, the structure
of the universe, the difference between bosons and fermions. And, of
course, what it will mean to the presidential race. </p>
<p>
The first thing all patriotic Americans are going to want to know is why
something this important happened elsewhere. The Large Hadron Collider,
where the physicists did the work, was built by the European
Organization for Nuclear Research. We were building a Superconducting
Super Collider of our own, in Waxahachie, Tex., but Congress stopped the
financing for it in 1993. </p>
<p>
“It’s disheartening that a large number of fairly intelligent people
could do such a thing,” said Leon Lederman, a Nobel Prize-winning
physicist, when the budget-cutting House of Representatives ended the
program. This was, of course, a long time ago, back when Americans still
undertook expensive, daring construction projects and believed the
House of Representatives had a large number of fairly intelligent
people. </p>
<p>
But about the Higgs boson. As Dennis Overbye explained in The Times, it
is “the only manifestation of an invisible force field, a cosmic
molasses that permeates space and imbues elementary particles with
mass.” And we have so many questions. Does it provide evidence of the
existence of parallel worlds? If so, is it possible to move to one that
doesn’t have Michele Bachmann? </p>
<p>
Most of all, however, we want to know who this helps in the election: </p>
<p>
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Mitt Romney today denounced Barack Obama for allowing
Europe to beat the United States at particle physics research. Under his
administration, Romney vowed, “All particles that bind the earth
together will be discovered in America, by Americans and for Americans.”
</p>
<p>
Under questioning from reporters, Romney said that his favorite kind of subatomic particle is the fermion. </p>
<p>
SOMEWHERE ON A BUS — Speaking to a crowd of blue-collar workers in Ohio,
President Barack Obama hailed the scientific news from Geneva as “a
great moment in history, not unlike my rescue of the auto industry.” The
physicists who made the discovery, Obama noted, all had health
insurance. </p>
<p>
TRENTON — Gov. Chris Christie today called for the privatization of the
Higgs boson. “Binding the earth together is something that could be
handled much more efficiently by the for-profit sector,” the Republican
governor and deeply available vice-presidential prospect said.
“Auctioning off the rights to the Higgs boson will create American jobs
and balance American budgets.” </p>
<p>
When a reporter noted that the boson was discovered in Switzerland, Christie called him “stupid” and “off-topic.” </p>
<p>
CEDAR FALLS, IOWA — Rick Santorum today denounced the European
Organization for Nuclear Research for discovering something that is
nicknamed the God particle. “If God had wanted there to be a particle,
he’d have given it to Adam and Eve,” said Santorum, who is traveling
through the Hawkeye State this week because, really, he doesn’t have
much else to do. </p>
<p>
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Aides to Mitt Romney said the former governor’s
favorite kind of subatomic particle is actually the boson. </p>
<p>
SOMEWHERE ELSE ON A BUS — President Barack Obama told a crowd of
blue-collar workers that there have been more Higgs bosons discovered
during his administration than during those of both George Bushes
combined. </p>
<p>
WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Mitt Romney said today that when he called for an
American effort to beat the Europeans in particle physics research, he
did not actually mean spending money to build a supercollider, but
merely “the need for our physicists to think harder.” The Republican
presidential contender said he believed this could be accomplished by
“the elimination of onerous, physics-research-killing regulations.”
</p>
<p>
JUST OUTSIDE OF WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Protesters today passed out cartoons
of Mitt Romney with a large, cuddly looking Higgs boson strapped to a
crate on the front of his jet ski. </p>
<p>
WASHINGTON — Surrogates for Barack Obama and Mitt Romney sparred over
the meaning of the potential discovery of the Higgs boson. On “Meet the
Press,” Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana called it “a questionable throw
of the dice by the same folks who gave us the euro.” </p>
<p>
On “Face the Nation,” David Axelrod, the Obama campaign communications
director, said that if the Large Hadron Collider had been acquired by
Bain Capital it would have been “burdened with debt and sold for scrap
metal” and that Romney would be “the most anti-physics president since
Franklin Pierce.” </p>
<p>
NEW YORK — Donald Trump told reporters that “my people in Hong Kong”
have uncovered evidence that America’s failure to take the lead in
subatomic particle research was because of a conspiracy between the
Obama administration and unnamed Chinese industrialists. He also said
that he had invited the Higgs boson to be a contender on “All-Star
Celebrity Apprentice.” </p>
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