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<div class="timestamp">June 7, 2012</div>
<h1>A Troubled Silence</h1>
<span><h6 class="byline">By RICHARD B. GARTNER</h6></span>
<div id="articleBody">
<p>
THE <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/10/magazine/the-horace-mann-schools-secret-history-of-sexual-abuse.html?_r=1&ref=magazine">revelation</a>
this week of alleged widespread child abuse at the elite Horace Mann
School in New York City, most of it occurring during the 1970s and ’80s,
is only the most recent instance of men coming forward, many years
after the fact, with horrific stories of sexual molesting from their
childhood. </p>
<p>
Most of those accused of the abuse in the Horace Mann case are dead, but
under New York State law, if alive they would most likely be safe from
justice. The state’s statute of limitations on child abuse is five years
from the victim’s 18th birthday. After age 23, the victim has no
recourse. </p>
<p>
Yet young adults, particularly men, who suffer the aftereffects of abuse
are rarely in an emotional state to bring charges. Given what we now
know about why it takes victims so long to come forward, the law needs
to be changed. </p>
<p>
Many people cast a skeptical eye on those who wait so long to reveal
instances of child abuse, particularly when it happened to them as
teenagers. They assume that accusers are making it up, blaming what were
at most minor incidents for their troubles. </p>
<p>
But in my decades of experience working with abuse victims, I have found
that men spend years putting their emotions in a deep freeze or masking
post-traumatic reactions with self-defeating behaviors like compulsive
gambling and substance abuse. Eventually, they are forced by internal or
external events to find treatment. </p>
<p>
I once conducted a training seminar about how to treat men with
histories of sexual abuse. One student, a semiretired social worker in
his 70s, asked a barrage of questions and was consistently derisive of
what he saw as other people’s overly emotional reactions to the
horrifying histories. </p>
<p>
Another participant finally criticized him for derailing the
conversation. He was silent for a long moment. Then he began to weep.
</p>
<p>
Between sobs, he poured out the story of his own childhood sexual
trauma. In the 60 or more years since, he had barely hinted about it to
anyone, and the years of silence had left him isolated in unemotional,
unsatisfying adult intimate relationships. </p>
<p>
He was, sadly, typical of male abuse victims. Even in 2012, we are
socialized to think that “real men” should be resilient, and certainly
not victims. For a man to acknowledge sexual victimhood, even to
himself, is to say he is not really male. </p>
<p>
What’s more, conventional wisdom says abuse turns a boy gay, despite
strong evidence to the contrary. Straight boys wonder why they were
chosen for sexual victimization, afraid they might be gay. Gay boys may
feel rushed into defining themselves as gay or decide that abuse caused
their orientation, complicating their ability to develop positive
identities as gay men. </p>
<p>
Even worse, perhaps, and again without evidence, common folklore tells
us that sexually abused boys almost inevitably grow up to be sexually
abusing men. This terrifies a male victim, even if he has no thought of
becoming a sexual predator. He worries he may become predatory without
volition or warning, or that others will assume he is an abuser if they
know his history. </p>
<p>
Finally, since boyhood abuse was not part of the public conversation
until recently, many boys and men assumed their experiences were
repulsive and aberrant. And a man who has not talked about it might feel
it would be humiliating to first disclose it in middle age or later.
</p>
<p>
Needless to say, the decades spent trying to bury the memories rarely
work. The man in my seminar is a prime example of how sexually abused
men who remain mute become isolated, frightened of emotions and
hypervigilant. </p>
<p>
Things may be changing, thanks, in part, to the recent spate of abuse
revelations. Many older victims have gained the courage to come forward.
In my own practice, I received almost as many calls from sexually
abused men in December and January, soon after allegations surfaced
about abuse by the former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry
Sandusky, as I usually get in a year. With Mr. Sandusky’s trial set to
begin next week, I expect to get even more calls. </p>
<p>
But more needs to be done. Every year since 2005, <a href="http://assembly.state.ny.us/mem/Margaret-M-Markey/">Margaret M. Markey</a>,
a New York State assemblywoman, has introduced a bill to extend the
statute of limitations for five more years, a modest increase; it would
also create a one-year window for adults up to age 53 to bring charges
against alleged abusers. The bill has passed the Assembly four times but
has consistently been blocked from coming to the floor of the Senate,
largely thanks to <a href="http://politicker.com/2012/02/catholic-bishops-denounce-assembly-bill-making-it-easier-for-sexual-abuse-victims-to-sue/">fierce lobbying</a> by the Roman Catholic Church. Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo has yet to take a position on the bill. </p>
<p>
The stories of abuse at Horace Mann and elsewhere are truly horrifying.
But the victims will have done a great service if their actions persuade
others to come forward — and the State Legislature to, at long last,
set a realistic statute of limitations for going after their abusers.
</p>
<div class="authorIdentification">
<p> <a href="http://www.richardgartner.com/">Richard B. Gartner</a> is a
psychologist and psychoanalyst and the author of “Beyond Betrayal:
Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse.” </p> </div>
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<br clear="all"><br>-- <br>Art Deco (Wayne A. Fox)<br><a href="mailto:art.deco.studios@gmail.com" target="_blank">art.deco.studios@gmail.com</a><br>