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March 29, 2012</h6>
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An Argument Against Healthcare</h1>
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From the National Alliance of Funeral Directors</h2>
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WASHINGTON (<strong><a title="Borowitz Report" href="http://borowitzreport.us1.list-manage.com/track/click?u=49de3335c30245ecd0fa291aa&id=c68fc8ed0f&e=568630f31e" target="_blank">The Borowitz Report</a></strong>) – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:<br>
<br>
This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that
the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is
unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we
couldn’t agree more.<br>
<br>
It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me
liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have
agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be
dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to
the death.<br>
<br>
Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the
Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another
American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health
insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional
right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all
fifty states, most recently Florida.<br>
<br>
In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito
compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance.
Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and
one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American
would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and
operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a
luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest
imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).<br>
<br>
As the organization representing America’s funeral directors,
gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme
Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare
flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the
pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.<br>
<br>
Sincerely,<br>
<br>
The National Alliance of Funeral Directors</div></div></body></html>