<html><body><div style="color:#000; background-color:#fff; font-family:times new roman, new york, times, serif;font-size:18pt"><div style="RIGHT: auto"><SPAN style="RIGHT: auto">This is so unrealistic... It is evidently impossible this Congress could ever be competent enough to follow through on a working plan. And there is no way this Congress would be asking for $4 trillion from the FBI. They would only be willing to accept it from the working poor. </SPAN></div>
<div style="RIGHT: auto"><SPAN style="RIGHT: auto"></SPAN> <VAR id=yui-ie-cursor></VAR></div>
<div style="RIGHT: auto"><SPAN style="RIGHT: auto">Donovan Arnold</SPAN></div>
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<DIV style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #ccc 1px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #ccc 1px solid; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; LINE-HEIGHT: 0; MARGIN: 5px 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; HEIGHT: 0px; FONT-SIZE: 0px; BORDER-TOP: #ccc 1px solid; BORDER-RIGHT: #ccc 1px solid; PADDING-TOP: 0px" class=hr contentEditable=false readonly="true"></DIV><B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">From:</SPAN></B> Tom Hansen <thansen@moscow.com><BR><B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">To:</SPAN></B> Moscow Vision 2020 <Vision2020@moscow.com><BR><B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Sent:</SPAN></B> Sunday, October 2, 2011 6:27 PM<BR><B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Subject:</SPAN></B> [Vision2020] Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage<BR></FONT><BR>
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<DIV>Courtesy of the Onion News Network at:</DIV>
<DIV><BR></DIV><A href="http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-takes-group-of-schoolchildren-hostage,26207/#enlarge" rel=nofollow target=_blank>http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-takes-group-of-schoolchildren-hostage,26207/#enlarge</A>
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<DIV><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Georgia, serif; FONT-SIZE: 27px; FONT-WEIGHT: bold" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span>Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage</SPAN><BR></DIV><SPAN style="LINE-HEIGHT: 15px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif; COLOR: rgb(85,85,85); FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span><SPAN style="LINE-HEIGHT: 15px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span></div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span><SPAN style="LINE-HEIGHT: 15px; FONT-FAMILY: Arial, sans-serif; FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span></div>
<H3 style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 5px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: bold 18px serif; COLOR: rgb(51,51,51); PADDING-TOP: 0px">'We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'</H3></SPAN></SPAN>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span>WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112<SPAN id=misspell-0 class=mark>th</SPAN> U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.</SPAN><BR></div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">House Speaker John <SPAN id=misspell-1 class=mark>Boehner</SPAN> (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the bipartisan group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, "all the kids will die."</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">"Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that," said <SPAN id=misspell-2 class=mark>Boehner</SPAN>, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader's throats. "If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we're going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here."</div></SPAN></SPAN></SPAN>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span>"Tick <SPAN id=misspell-3 class=mark>tock</SPAN>," he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow.</SPAN><BR></SPAN></div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12px" class=yiv360205846Apple-style-span>Shaken witnesses reported that the ordeal broke out around 10 a.m. this morning, when in the midst of a Capitol building tour, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) suddenly burst into the National Statuary Hall with a pair of black <SPAN id=misspell-4 class=mark>panty</SPAN> hose over his head and began firing a Beretta 9 mm handgun into the air, shouting, "Everybody down! Everybody get the fuck <I>down</I></SPAN><BR></div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">The schoolchildren were then led at gunpoint into the nearby Great Rotunda, where an agitated, profusely sweating Rep. Peter <SPAN id=misspell-5 class=mark>Roskam</SPAN> (R-IL) bound their hands and feet and duct-taped them to various sculptures, including a monument to women's suffrage and a marble figure of former president James Garfield. Although cell phones were confiscated immediately, one student managed to tweet a short video showing what appeared to be Sen. Chuck <SPAN id=misspell-6 class=mark>Schumer</SPAN> (D-NY) pistol-whipping a <SPAN id=misspell-7 class=mark>chaperone</SPAN> who attempted to yell for help.</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">"It's a very tense situation at the moment, and these things take time—more time than we've got," Special Agent Douglas <SPAN id=misspell-8 class=mark>Burkett</SPAN> of the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit said. "We have snipers on the Supreme Court building, the Ulysses S. Grant Memorial, and the National Museum of the American Indian, but so far none of them has been able to get a clear shot at any senators or representatives."</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">"While there's an assault team on the way, they won't be able to breach the door if members of Congress have rigged the place with explosives," <SPAN id=misspell-9 class=mark>Burkett</SPAN> added. "And that's quite possible. From the looks of things, I'd say they've been planning this for a while."</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">As the dramatic standoff continues to unfold, the bipartisan gang of lawmakers has laid out additional terms for releasing the children. Among the demands are guaranteed re-election in 2012, reduction of the veto-override threshold from two-thirds to one half of the Senate, new desks, and safe transport to Reagan National Airport with a fueled-up private jet waiting on the runway.</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">According to sources close to the 535-member legislative branch, Congress has recently fallen on hard times. Neighbors reported overhearing heated arguments going on late into the night about dangerously stretched budgets, a failing health care system, and the potential for an all-out government shutdown.</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">With the ransom deadline nearing and no apparent resolution in sight, President Barack Obama was summoned in a last-ditch effort to diffuse the situation. Despite an emotional bullhorn appeal to return to "honest talks aimed at reducing the national debt and getting millions of unemployed Americans back to work," the chief executive was met with silence.</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">"There's just no way of getting through to these people," said Obama, holding his head in his hands. "I know Speaker <SPAN id=misspell-10 class=mark>Boehner</SPAN> personally, and I know that he and his colleagues will not hesitate for a second to kill these poor children if they don't get their way."</div>
<div style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 22px; ZOOM: 1; FONT: 12px/18px helvetica, arial, sans-serif; PADDING-TOP: 0px">"Trust me, this Congress will do it," the president added.</div></SPAN>
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<DIV style="RIGHT: auto">If the money is not delivered by this evening, members of Congress say they will shoot a new child every hour on the hour.
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<DIV><SPAN id=misspell-12 class=mark>Seeya</SPAN> round town, Moscow.</DIV>
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<DIV>Tom Hansen</DIV>
<DIV style="RIGHT: auto">Moscow, Idaho</DIV>
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