<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD>
<META content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" http-equiv=Content-Type>
<META name=GENERATOR content="MSHTML 8.00.6001.19019">
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=#ffffff>
<DIV><FONT size=2>A column dedicated to Christ Church Cult congregants and cow
owners.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2>
<DIV id=pageContainer class=storyDetail>
<DIV id=col2>
<DIV class="content printable">
<DIV id=printButton><IMG border=0 alt="The Miami Herald"
src="http://media.miamiherald.com/images/redesign/mh_logo_print.gif"></DIV>
<DIV id=pagetitle></DIV>
<DIV id=wide>
<DIV id=storyDate-Links><SPAN class=pubDate>Posted on Sun, Apr. 03, 2011</SPAN>
</DIV>
<H2 id=storyTitle>Bless all the beasts</H2>
<P class=byline>BY DAVE BARRY<BR></P>
<DIV id=storyBody><EM>This Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday,
August 10, 1996</EM>
<P>This column is in response to the thousands of letters you readers no doubt
intended to write asking: "Dave, what ever happened to Rev. Al, the direct-mail
Christian? Also, who won the competition for Dog Hero of the Year?" I have
followed up on these two important stories, and hereby present a full report:
</P>
<P><STRONG>REV. AL </STRONG></P>
<P>Rev. Al, as some of you may recall, is "America's Minister by Mail, " which
means that once you get on his computerized mailing list, he bombards you with
personalized letters stating that the Lord is just dying to give you many
financial blessings, but only if you send in some proof of your faith in the
Lord in the form of checks made out to Rev. Al, who has several convenient
monthly payment plans. </P>
<P>I am happy to report that Rev. Al is still out there handling the Lord's
Accounts Receivable. In fact, he recently sent me the exciting news that he was
going to be appearing near me, in person, and that if I went to see him, he'd
give me a "beautifully designed gift" consisting of a "prayer blessed wallet"
with a picture of Jesus on it. So, of course, I went to the service. At first
glance, you get the impression Rev. Al's just another slick, expensively
dressed, fast-talking religious huckster lowlife bacterial parasite scumball
sleazebucket slimebag, but when you see him up close, when you hear what he has
to say, when you look him right in the eye, you realize he is also quite short.
</P>
<P>To start the service, Rev. Al called us followers forward to receive our
blessed wallets, made in Hong Kong. In fact, I received two of them, because
they tended to stick together, being made of that thin floppy plastic that
always seems to be in the process of melting. "I thought there was going to be
money in it, " one woman said. </P>
<P>Then Rev. Al healed some people, which was a very moving experience,
especially the part where he ordered one man to stand up and -- I swear this
happened -- grasp himself right on his ailing prostate gland. Next Rev. Al got
out a bottle of Anointing Oil, which he said he got in the Holy Land and which
could heal you still further. "It's an attractive bottle, and it's big, " said
Rev. Al, holding it up. "You don't smear the Anointing Oil all over. You just
dab yourself, so you won't get your sheets all greasy." Rev. Al also held up a
Prayer Bracelet that could do many financial miracles for you. He said we would
get the bracelet PLUS the oil, the whole sacred package, for a Love Offering of
only $100. </P>
<P>"Write out a check right now." Rev. Al suggested. "Make it out to Reverend
Al. Right now!" A few people came up. "If you want to give cash, you can give
cash, " Rev. Al added, generously. A few more people came up, but not enough to
satisfy Rev. Al. "I want you to reach down to that secret place, where you got
some money hidden to pay your bills, " he advised. He was getting testy. "Why
can't you trust God?" he yelled. You got the impression that any second he was
going to start giving people back their prostate problems. </P>
<P>At that point I left, believing I had already been sufficiently blessed, what
with the two wallets. But those of you who feel you can benefit from what Rev.
Al has to offer should write him out in Fresno, Calif., 93761, and see if you
can't get on his computerized mailing list and receive lots and lots of
personalized mail that he has to pay the postage on. And while you're writing
letters, you might also send your congratulations to the new . . . </P>
<P><STRONG>DOG HERO OF THE YEAR </STRONG></P>
<P>I am extremely pleased to announce that, thanks in large part to the interest
and concern and general lack of judgment shown by readers of this column, this
coveted award, presented each year, out of the goodness of their hearts, by the
folks who make Ken-L Ration brand dog food, which by the way is for sale, has
gone to . . . TA DAHHHHH . . . Tango! </P>
<P>Tango, as you may remember, is the aging, arthritic mixed- breed dog who
saved her master, a very nice man named Al Choate of Port Townsend, Wash., from
an enraged cow. This is the truth. A while back, I urged you readers to vote for
Tango, and apparently many of you did, and on behalf of Tango, I just want to
say: Thank you, and don't forget to take your medication. </P>
<P>Tango is a celebrity now. She was on Good Morning America. Maybe you saw it.
She had a large comical medal around her neck, and she sat next to Al Choate on
one of those chairs that news makers sit in, as if they were going to discuss
the Middle East. I spoke to Al later that day, and I asked him if fame had
changed Tango, and he said no, she was still the same dog. He said the cow was
also still the same cow. </P>
<P>Which, by the way, serves as yet another reminder of the urgent need to pass
federal legislation mandating the registration of cows. New York City has had a
very strict law on the books for two years now and has seen a dramatic reduction
in cow-related violence, disregarding that one tragic incident on the subway. So
I am urging you readers to send one more letter, this one to your
congresspersons, reminding them: Guns Don't Kill People. Cows Kill People. Thank
you.</P></DIV></DIV></DIV></DIV></DIV></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2></FONT> </DIV><FONT size=2>
<DIV>__________________________________________________<BR>Wayne A. Fox<BR>1009
Karen Lane<BR>PO Box 9421<BR>Moscow, ID 83843</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><A href="mailto:waf@moscow.com">waf@moscow.com</A><BR>208
882-7975<BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>