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<H1 class=storyHeadline>Who named these guys wise men?</H1>
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<H3 class=byline>BY DAVE BARRY</H3>
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<P><EM>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 5,
2004.)</EM></P>
<P>Christmastime is a festive time - a time of parties and presents and songs
that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got
tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my
forefinger stabbing the car-radio button. I prefer traditional Christmas carols,
such as Ding Dong Merrily on High. I am not making this carol up. The lyrics
are: <BR>"Ding dong merrily on high!" <BR>(Something something something) </P>
<P>I don't know the rest, because I never got past the first line without
cracking up. This song used to absolutely slay me and my boyhood friends when we
sang it in St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Armonk, N.Y. And no wonder: It is a
well-known axiom of music, discovered in 1783 by Mozart (this was Herb Mozart),
that "there is no such thing as a bad song that has 'ding dong' in the title."
Other examples are Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and Shama Lama Ding Dong, which
is not to be confused with Rama Lama Ding Dong, also an excellent song. </P>
<P>But getting back to Christmas: My point is that, although this is a festive
time of year, it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group
- a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group
is: men. </P>
<P>Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons,
by which I mean: women. </P>
<P>This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible
that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold,
frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and
myrrh - at least according to my dictionary - are gum resins. Who gives gum
resins to a baby? </P>
<P>The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for
gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem
area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's
House of Myrrh. </P>
<P>So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and
headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts - which were not wrapped, nor
were they accompanied by cards - rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the
goats (which ate them) and said: "Next Christmas, we are going to have some
gift-giving RULES." But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were
over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger. </P>
<P>This is basically how things stand today. At this point in the Christmas
season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts
for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her
friends, her husband's relatives, her co-workers, the children of her friends,
relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends of her relatives,
husbands of her coworkers' relatives' friends, etc. She has also purchased
several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the
horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have
a retaliation gift. </P>
<P>In contrast, your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has
purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable
gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but
he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an
auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables AND
an air compressor. Clearly this gift violated an important rule, but the man had
no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him. </P>
<P>And now ANOTHER Christmas is looming, and this man, terrified that he will
screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing
automotive this time: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking Weed
Whacker. </P>
<P>But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we
buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're
thoughtless jerks! </P>
<P>Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a
stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask all you women to cut us some
slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you; and
above all, in the spirit of another great Christmas carol, bring us some figgy
pudding.</P></DIV></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>