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<H1 class=storyHeadline>New gift idea: vintage worms</H1>
<H3 class=byline>BY DAVE BARRY</H3>
<DIV id=storyBodyContent>
<P><I>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 20,
2003.)</I> </P>
<P>Before I get to today's topic (''Worms Making News''), I want to apologize to
those readers, both human and elf, who were unhappy with my column on ``The Lord
of the Rings.''</P>
<P>It turns out that my readership includes some VERY serious fans of the movie
and the classic book by the late J.R. ''Scooter'' Tolkien. Many of these fans
took time out from their busy schedules to write lengthy letters detailing the
errors in my column, and observing that I am a stupid idiot. Here are some of
the specific points they made (I am not making these points up): </P>
<P>--``For your information, Dick Cheney is NOT in `The Lord of the Rings.'
''</P>
<P>--``It is not right to refer to Aragorn as `Lord Aragorn' until he claims the
throne of Gondor. He's just a Ranger right now who happens to be really good in
battle.''</P>
<P>--``I don't think that you fully understand that if they don't destroy the
ring, the world will fall into definite evil.''</P>
<P>--``The Ents cannot do kung fu, as that did not exist in Middle Earth.''</P>
<P>These are all strong points, and so I want to say to you Tolkien fans, by way
of sincere apology: Are you, by any chance, Hoosiers?</P>
<P>No, seriously, I'm sorry if my column offended you, or in any way has caused
the world to fall into definite evil.</P>
<P>While I'm at it, I also want to apologize to the accordion community for a
recent column in which I encouraged people to throw accordions into ponds. That
statement earned me a stern rebuke from James P. O'Brien, Ph.D., a professor of
music at the University of Arizona. Dr. O'Brien informed me that making fun of
the accordion is ``inappropriate,'' and concluded his letter with this menacing
statement: ``Gary Larson did this years ago, and quality accordionists still
boycott his `Far Side' calendars as a result.''</P>
<P>As a humorist, I am all too aware of the devastating effects of being
targeted for a boycott by quality accordionists. I don't want to wind up like
poor Gary Larson, who today is penniless, dressed in rags, holding a cardboard
sign that says he will draw talking cows for food. So I hereby apologize to Dr.
O'Brien, who, according to the Internet, has two CDs for sale: ``Accordion
Accord'' and ``Reason for Squeezin'.''</P>
<P>This brings us to our popular attraction ``Worms Making News,'' which today
features two exciting items:</P>
<P><STRONG>DATELINE, MINNESOTA</STRONG> -- According to a story in the Duluth
News Tribune and brought to my attention by alert reader Brian Rohland, a Duluth
man has succeeded in doing something that, for most of humanity, remains only a
dream: making wine from tent caterpillars.</P>
<P>The man, Ray Reigstad, got the idea from the fact that Minnesota is regularly
infested with tent caterpillars, which are also called ``army worms,'' because
during certain times of year they wear tiny knapsacks. According to the story,
Reigstad and his girlfriend collected a large quantity of these worms last June,
``when they were big'' (meaning the worms were big). Reigstad then poured
boiling water on them ``to kill them instantly'' -- no worm suffered needlessly
in the making of this wine -- then mashed them, then added sugar and yeast, then
let it ferment until it was a ``green liquid,'' which he then flushed down the
toilet.</P>
<P>No, wait, that's what I would have done. Reigstad actually put it in wine
bottles and gave it to people for Christmas. The story does not say how the
recipients felt about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if next Christmas,
Reigstad gets at least one fruitcake containing numerous cockroach heads.</P>
<P>Speaking of food:</P>
<P><STRONG>DATELINE, CAMBRIDGE</STRONG> -- According to an Associated Press
story sent in by alert reader Donald O'Brien, biologists at Harvard University
have ``manipulated hundreds of genes to create roundworms that are sleek and
trim.'' This is wonderful news for the literally millions of roundworms who
suffer from obesity to the point where they do virtually nothing all day except
sit around and vote for contestants on ``American Idol.''</P>
<P>But it's also great news for overweight humans, also known, technically, as
``Americans.'' Because if scientists can deactivate the genes that cause
roundworms to gain weight, it stands to reason that, in time, they will be able
to deactivate the gene that causes human beings to play the accordion.</P>
<P>No! Just kidding! Please don't boycott me, quality accordionists! I am truly
sorry! Here, have some wine.</P></DIV></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>