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<H2 id=storyTitle>How to beat the wrap</H2>
<DIV class=byline>BY DAVE BARRY</DIV>
<DIV id=storyBody><EM>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published
Dec. 9, 2001.)</EM>
<P>This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when
the three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus,
and, according to the Book of Matthew, ``presented unto Him gifts: gold,
frankincense and myrrh.''</P>
<P>These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
``And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.</P>
<P>``And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.</P>
<P>``And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she
saideth, `Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'</P>
<P>``And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.</P>
<P>``And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the
frankincense.''</P>
<P>But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts
had two important characteristics:</P>
<P>1. They were wise.</P>
<P>2. They were men.</P>
<P>Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my
opinion; this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote,
''if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens
it.'' The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts,
but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.</P>
<P>''No one ever had to wonder which presents Daddy wrapped at Christmas,'' Gene
said. ``They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.''</P>
<P>I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never
COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it
in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation
volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a
sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a
marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.</P>
<P>On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.</P>
<P>My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies
-- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:</P>
<P><STRONG>GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN</STRONG></P>
<P>-- Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's
myrrh.</P>
<P>-- The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They
must be smoking crack.</P>
<P>-- If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a
festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas
morning:</P>
<P><STRONG>YOUR WIFE:</STRONG> Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the
tree?</P>
<P><STRONG>YOU:</STRONG> It's a gift! See? It has a bow!</P>
<P><STRONG>YOUR WIFE</STRONG> (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf
blower.</P>
<P><STRONG>YOU:</STRONG> Gas-powered! Five horsepower!</P>
<P><STRONG>YOUR WIFE:</STRONG> I want a divorce.</P>
<P><STRONG>YOU:</STRONG> I also got you some myrrh.</P>
<P>In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how
you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that
you save the receipt.</P></DIV></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>