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<DIV>Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet<BR>By MAUREEN
DOWD<BR><BR>Now that he's finally fired up on the soup-line economy, Barack
Obama<BR>knows he can't fade out again. He was eager to talk privately to
a<BR>Democratic ex-president who could offer more fatherly wisdom — not
to<BR>mention a surreptitious smoke — and less fraternal rivalry. I
called<BR>the "West Wing" creator Aaron Sorkin (yes, truly) to get a read-out
of<BR>the meeting. This is what he wrote:<BR><BR>BARACK OBAMA knocks on the
front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire<BR>farmhouse while his Secret Service
detail waits in the driveway. The<BR>door opens and OBAMA is standing face to
face with former President<B> JED BARTLET.<BR><BR>BARTLET Senator.<BR><BR>OBAMA
Mr. President.<BR><BR>BARTLET You seem startled.<BR><BR>OBAMA I didn't expect
you to answer the door yourself.<BR><BR>BARTLET I didn't expect you to be
getting beat by John McCain and a<BR>Lancôme rep who thinks "The Flintstones"
was based on a true story, so<BR>let's call it even.<BR><BR>OBAMA Yes,
sir.<BR><BR>BARTLET Come on in.<BR><BR>BARTLET leads OBAMA into his
study.<BR><BR>BARTLET That was a hell of a convention.<BR><BR>OBAMA Thank you, I
was proud of it.<BR><BR>BARTLET I meant the Republicans. The Us versus
Them-a-thon. As a<BR>Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don't like small
towns, God,<BR>people with jobs or America. I've been a little out of touch but
is<BR>there a mandate that the vice president be skilled at field dressing
a<BR>moose —<BR><BR>OBAMA Look —<BR><BR>BARTLET — and selling Air Force Two on
eBay?<BR><BR>OBAMA Joke all you want, Mr. President, but it
worked.<BR><BR>BARTLET Imagine my surprise. What can I do for you,
kid?<BR><BR>OBAMA I'm interested in your advice.<BR><BR>BARTLET I can't give it
to you.<BR><BR>OBAMA Why not?<BR><BR>BARTLET I'm supporting McCain.<BR><BR>OBAMA
Why?<BR><BR>BARTLET He's promised to eradicate evil and that was always on my
"to do" list.<BR><BR>OBAMA O.K. —<BR><BR>BARTLET And he's surrounded himself, I
think, with the best possible<BR>team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why,
Sarah Palin just said<BR>Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had "gotten too big and too
expensive to<BR>the taxpayers." Can you spot the error in that
statement?<BR><BR>OBAMA Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren't funded by
taxpayers.<BR><BR>BARTLET Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of
the time<BR>Bush said that Social Security wasn't a government program. He
was<BR>only off by a little — Social Security is the largest
government<BR>program.<BR><BR>OBAMA I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I
really could use your advice.<BR><BR>BARTLET Well, it seems to me your problem
is a lot like the problem I had twice.<BR><BR>OBAMA Which was?<BR><BR>BARTLET A
huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.<BR><BR>OBAMA
And?<BR><BR>BARTLET I was.<BR><BR>OBAMA I mean, how did you overcome
that?<BR><BR>BARTLET I won't lie to you, being fictional was a big
advantage.<BR><BR>OBAMA What do you mean?<BR><BR>BARTLET I'm a fictional
president. You're dreaming right now, Senator.<BR><BR>OBAMA I'm
asleep?<BR><BR>BARTLET Yes, and you're losing a ton of white women.<BR><BR>OBAMA
Yes, sir.<BR><BR>BARTLET I mean tons.<BR><BR>OBAMA I understand.<BR><BR>BARTLET
I didn't even think there were that many white women.<BR><BR>OBAMA I see the
numbers, sir. What do they want from me?<BR><BR>BARTLET I've been married to a
white woman for 40 years and I still<BR>don't know what she wants from
me.<BR><BR>OBAMA How did you do it?<BR><BR>BARTLET Well, I say I'm sorry a
lot.<BR>0A<BR>OBAMA I don't mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get
America<BR>on your side?<BR><BR>BARTLET There again, I didn't have to be
president of America, I just<BR>had to be president of the people who watched
"The West Wing."<BR><BR>OBAMA That would make it easier.<BR><BR>BARTLET You'd do
very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old "ER"<BR>time slot with "30 Rock" as
your lead-in, you'd get seven, seven-five<BR>in the demo with a 20, 22 share —
you'd be selling $450,000 minutes.<BR><BR>OBAMA What the hell does that
mean?<BR><BR>BARTLET TV talk. I thought you'd be interested.<BR><BR>OBAMA I'm
not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced<BR>to the criticism
that I'm — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the<BR>way, was a community
organizer. When I speak I try to lead with<BR>inspiration and aptitude. How is
that a liability?<BR><BR>BARTLET Because the idea of American exceptionalism
doesn't extend to<BR>Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically
and are able<BR>to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the
press<BR>shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty
while<BR>the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song.
The<BR>people who want English to be the official language of the
United<BR>States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in
it.<BR><BR>OBAMA You're saying race doesn't have anything to do with
it?<BR><BR>BARTLET I wouldn't go that far. Brains made me look arrogant but
they<BR>make you look uppity. Plus, if you had a black daughter —<BR><BR>OBAMA I
have two.<BR><BR>BARTLET — who was 17 and pregnant and unmarried and the father
was a<BR>teenager hoping to launch a rap career with "Thug Life" inked
across<BR>his chest, you'd come in fifth behind Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and
a<BR>ficus.<BR><BR>OBAMA You're not cheering me up.<BR><BR>BARTLET Is that what
you came here for?<BR><BR>OBAMA No, but it wouldn't kill you.<BR><BR>BARTLET
Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas
show?<BR><BR>OBAMA Sir —<BR><BR>BARTLET Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there
any chance you could<BR>get Michelle pregnant before the fall
sweeps?<BR><BR>OBAMA The problem is we can't appear angry. Bush called us the
angry<BR>left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?<BR><BR>BARTLET Well
... let me think. ...We went to war against the wrong<BR>country, Osama bin
Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of<BR>not being caught either dead
or alive, my family's less safe than it<BR>was eight years ago, we've lost
trillions of dollars, millions of<BR>jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an
entire city due to bad<BR>weather. So, you know ... I'm a little
angry.<BR><BR>OBAMA What would you do?<BR><BR>BARTLET GET ANGRIER! Call them
liars, because that's what they are.<BR>Sarah Palin didn't say "thanks but no
thanks" to the Bridge to<BR>Nowhere. She just said "Thanks." You were raised by
a single mother on<BR>food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was
legacied into<BR>Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if
you do<BR>nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means
well<BR>above average. I'd ask them what their problem is with
excellence.<BR>While you're at it, I want the word "patriot" back. McCain can
say<BR>that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of
Islamic<BR>fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn't know the
Bush<BR>doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can't do both at the
same<BR>time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn't
their<BR>friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they've earned
it.<BR>McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate
who<BR>had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library.
It's<BR>not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six
days<BR>6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake,
she<BR>wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny
geology,<BR>anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It's not bad
enough<BR>she's forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a
teenage<BR>hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in
that<BR>direction too? It's not enough that a woman shouldn't have the
right<BR>to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry
and<BR>deliver her rapist's baby too? I don't know whether or not
Governor<BR>Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she's
got<BR>the qualifications of one. And you're worried about seeming angry?
You<BR>could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it
and<BR>God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you
are<BR>simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension
is<BR>called for!<BR><BR>OBAMA Good to get that off your chest?<BR><BR>BARTLET
Am I keeping you from something?<BR><BR>OBAMA Well, it's not as if I didn't know
all of that and it took you<BR>like 20 minutes to say.<BR><BR>BARTLET I know, I
have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.<BR><BR>OBAMA What's the
second step?<BR><BR>BARTLET I don't care.<BR><BR>OBAMA So what about hope? Chuck
it for outrage and put-downs?<BR><BR>BARTLET No. You're elite, you can do both.
Four weeks ago you had the<BR>best week of your campaign, followed — granted,
inexplicably — by the<BR>worst week of your campaign. And you're still in a
statistical dead<BR>heat. You're a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding
name who<BR>went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel
pins<BR>aren't the same thing and you're in a statistical tie with a war
hero<BR>and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that's
what<BR>progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my
house<BR>and go back to work.<BR><BR>OBAMA Wait, what is it you always used to
say? When you hit a bump on<BR>the show and your people were down and
frustrated? You'd give them a<BR>pep talk and then you'd always end it with
something. What was it ..?<BR><BR>BARTLET "Break's over."<o:p></o:p></B></DIV>
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