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Listen Joan, it's too late for you to give me a kitchen pass. I spent
the whole afternoon with a scissors, a razor and brand new bottle of
extra-strengh depilatory. You've enlightened me and, God knows, the
world is safer for both formal and casual dining.<br>
<br>
Thanks for the courage,<br>
<br>
Dave<br>
<br>
ps. I never met a "sarcastic and rude ad hominem attack I didn't
like. Keep up the good work.<br>
<br>
Joan Opyr wrote:<br>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="midBAY10-DAV60F7B7B3B19E6A118438CC5760@phx.gbl">
<div>Dave opines:</div>
<div> </div>
<div>"Between the nose hair, ear hair and eyebrows that compete with
Andy Rooney's (all of which increase at an increasing rate in a
compounding logarithmic scale directly proportional to my age) I'll now
be forced to purchase cheesy hair trimming devices only found on QTV or
late night commercials to protect the sensibilities of your ilk as well
as my new found vanity."<br>
</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Not "forced to," Dave. Remember, I have no enforcement power.
I can only politely request that you trim your eyebrows (if it's any
comfort, my own resemble the late Leonid Brezhnev's and are just barely
kept in check by the repeated and painful application of tweezers),
your nose-hairs, your ear-hairs, and any other hirsute evidence of your
raging hormones that might interfere with my enjoyment of my mixed
salad greens should I catch sight of you in one of Moscow's fine dining
establishments. And, even still, you have a couple of options for
preserving your vanity other than QVC: you can shave, trim, or
weed-whack those offensive follicles on the off chance that I might be
hanging about waiting to pounce upon you with my sarcastic and rude ad
hominem attacks, <strong>OR</strong> you could avoid those
establishments that serve salad. </div>
<div> </div>
<div>You will be safe from hair and/or sartorial critiques in the
following Moscow restaurants:</div>
<div> </div>
<div>1) Ted's Burgers (where they wouldn't know a salad green if they
were attacked by Tryffids);</div>
<div>2) The Slurp & Burp (gizzards, as far as I know, only count
as a vegetable in the South); and</div>
<div>3) Taco Time (once it's been mixed with frijoles and deep-fried
in liquid lard, it doesn't matter what it used to be, it's no longer a
vegetable; it's a future car payment on a cardiologist's Mercedes).</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Re: Saundra's complaint about butt-cracks, I think we should ask
Jennifer McFarland why the sheriff's department is not issuing
citations. Jennifer? I'd also like to point out that it is illegal
to spit on city streets, and yet I see people doing it all the
time. As this public expectoration nauseates me, would I be justified
in performing a citizen's arrest? Or, alternatively, just flat out
shooting the spitter?</div>
<div> </div>
<div>And while we're at it, what's the legal status of that other
dreadful Moscow habit, the so-called "Idaho blow?" This involves
closing off one nostril with a fingertip and emptying the other with
great force into the nearest trashcan, gutter, open-topped convertible,
etc. Kleenex, people, Kleenex. You can buy it for a dollar a box. </div>
<div> </div>
<div>In the words of the late, great Roseanne Roseannadanna, "You're
making me sick!" </div>
<div> </div>
<div>Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment</div>
<div><a href="http://www.auntie-establishment.com">www.auntie-establishment.com</a></div>
<div> </div>
<div>PS: Sure, I'll be your editor Dave. Twenty bucks an hour, but
you have to prove to me that you possess both nose-hair clippers and an
adequate supply of monogrammed hankies. Also, you must swear that you
only use social security time limes in your gin & tonics; social
security time lemons are so declasse. </div>
<br clear="all">
<hr>Get more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : <a
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