<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML xmlns="http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40" xmlns:o =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" xmlns:w =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:word" xmlns:st1 =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"><HEAD>
<META http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=us-ascii">
<META content=Word.Document name=ProgId>
<META content="MSHTML 6.00.2900.2523" name=GENERATOR>
<META content="Microsoft Word 10" name=Originator><LINK
href="cid:filelist.xml@01C4C581.097A4E80" rel=File-List><o:SmartTagType
name="PlaceName"
namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:SmartTagType><o:SmartTagType
name="PlaceType"
namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:SmartTagType><o:SmartTagType
name="country-region"
namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:SmartTagType><o:SmartTagType
name="place"
namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:SmartTagType><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:DoNotRelyOnCSS/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:SpellingState>Clean</w:SpellingState>
<w:GrammarState>Clean</w:GrammarState>
<w:DocumentKind>DocumentEmail</w:DocumentKind>
<w:EnvelopeVis/>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]>
<STYLE>st1\:* {
BEHAVIOR: url(#default#ieooui)
}
</STYLE>
<![endif]-->
<STYLE>@page Section1 {size: 8.5in 11.0in; margin: 1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin: 35.4pt; mso-footer-margin: 35.4pt; mso-paper-source: 0; }
P.MsoNormal {
FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"
}
LI.MsoNormal {
FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"
}
DIV.MsoNormal {
FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; mso-style-parent: ""; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"
}
A:link {
COLOR: blue; TEXT-DECORATION: underline; text-underline: single
}
SPAN.MsoHyperlink {
COLOR: blue; TEXT-DECORATION: underline; text-underline: single
}
A:visited {
COLOR: purple; TEXT-DECORATION: underline; text-underline: single
}
SPAN.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {
COLOR: purple; TEXT-DECORATION: underline; text-underline: single
}
SPAN.EmailStyle17 {
COLOR: windowtext; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-style-type: personal-compose; mso-style-noshow: yes; mso-ansi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial
}
SPAN.GramE {
mso-style-name: ""; mso-gram-e: yes
}
DIV.Section1 {
page: Section1
}
</STYLE>
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";}
</style>
<![endif]--></HEAD>
<BODY lang=EN-US style="tab-interval: .5in" vLink=purple link=blue>
<DIV><SPAN class=906223121-08112004><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=2>Andy
Borowitz is well ahead of the news:</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=906223121-08112004><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff
size=2></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=906223121-08112004>
<H1>CANADA REPORTS HUGE JUMP IN IMMIGRATION</H1>
<H2>Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday
Night</H2><BR>Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in
the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours,
with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.
<BR><BR>Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from
U.S. citizens, the lion's share residing in such states as New York, California,
Massachusetts, Oregon, Washington, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Vermont, Maine,
Rhode Island, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, and the District of Columbia.
<BR><BR>Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew said that he was
"flabbergasted" by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian
citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for
the staggering increase. <BR><BR>"My only theory is that after many years of
exposure in the U.S., hockey is finally starting to catch on," Mr. Pettigrew
said. <BR><BR>He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what
is sparking the sudden interest in America's frozen neighbor to the north:
"People answering our immigration hotline say that it is hard to understand many
of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably." <BR><BR>In
other news, President Bush used his acceptance speech Wednesday to reach out to
supporters of Sen. John Kerry, telling them, "You can run, but you can't hide."
<BR><BR>Meanwhile, in his first statement since being voted out of office
Tuesday night, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said, "Do you want fries with
that?" <BR><BR>Elsewhere, experts said that exit polls may have falsely
predicted a Kerry victory because Kerry voters exited while Bush voters stayed
behind and voted again.</SPAN></DIV></BODY></HTML>