[Vision2020] CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks (SATIRE)
thansen at moscow.com
Tue Apr 28 11:56:47 PDT 2020
Courtesy of the New Yorker at:
CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.
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