[Vision2020] Ronny Jackson vows to give up drinking next Monday (SATIRE)

Tom Hansen thansen at moscow.com
Thu Apr 26 05:15:31 PDT 2018

Courtesy of the DuffelBlog at:



Ronny Jackson vows to give up drinking next Monday

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Veterans Affairs nominee Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson has vowed to give up drinking sometime next Monday or perhaps Wednesday at the latest, sources confirmed today.

“These are very serious allegations, and look, I’ve gotta be honest. I don’t remember most of these incidents,” Jackson told reporters of the 937 allegations of drinking on duty and creating a toxic work environment leveled against him over the past week. “But I’m taking this nomination seriously, which is why I am planning to give up drinking alcohol for good, sometime next week or the week after that.”

“I just need to check on my schedule and make sure there are no Secret Service going away parties,” he added, before continuing to sip his eighth gin and tonic just to “take the edge off.”

The embattled White House physician made the pledge amid allegations from current and former members of his staff. Some have said Jackson drank excessively during an overseas trip in 2015 and was later found banging on the door of a staff member’s hotel room, while others alleged that Jackson drunkenly crashed a government vehicle.

“I never wrecked a car,” Jackson said. “More than once.”

Meanwhile, the White House on Tuesday released notes from a performance review of Jackson written by President Barack Obama, in which he praised the military doctor as a “tremendous asset to the White House, especially during the Navy Ball and our intramural beer pong championships.”

According to former White House officials, it was somewhat an open secret that Jackson and Obama were known drinking buddies. During a trip to Thailand, for example, the pair “fuckin’ raged” in Pattaya before getting back on Air Force One for the return flight to Washington, one staffer said.

At press time, the Navy was reviewing many of the allegations, as well as removing all references of “you can drink like a sailor!” from future recruiting commercials.


Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .

"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)
Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho
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