[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

Fri Jul 20 02:19:07 PDT 2012

Shoot in the middle?  I'd not recommend that.  That just sounds like settling for something less than almost perfect which I guess is still fine if you think you'll be satisfactorily happy with that for an acceptable percentage of your time together.  Everyone's personality is unique and everyone's situation is unique.  I was extremely introverted in high school and focused on my studies, athletics, and my part time job.  I didn't get involved in high school activities and avoided high school dances except when the battery mate on my baseball team and his cheerleader girlfriend convinced me to ask one of the other cheerleaders - who was an extremely nice person - to the senior prom.  College was a completely different story.  90% of the females were drop dead gorgeous to me and I failed in my goal to meet every female on campus.  I dated heavily and yet still prioritized my time to  partying with my buddies and lots of these times were without any chicks present who might spoil all the fun. I think the longest relationship I had lasted a record 3 months because those relationship just fell apart and I wasn't willing to go to any heroic efforts to try keep them limping along in a crippled state to their final inevitable collapse.  And despite this, I've still kept in touch over the years with most of those exes probably because none of the breakups were overly painful for either of us.

As a social creature, I loved to hang out with a large group of friends male and female and people just naturally paired off to do things on occasion on their own.  And we had a lot of those couples eventually get married.  And years later, now several of them are divorced.  I think it gets much tougher the older you get to find large groups of people to hang out in social settings because by then lots of folks in that older age group are involved with activities with their kids and / or grandkids so they don't have the time and probably don't have the energy to party it up any more.

Maybe there are some singles clubs you can get involved with or some other activities that you're interested in that attract large groups of single people that you can mingle with and hopefully find a close match.

Unfortunately it's just not all that easy to find your soul mate but best wishes in your endeavor,

-Scott

Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2012 18:32:11 -0700
From: donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com
To: kmmos1 at frontier.com; vision2020 at moscow.com
Subject: Re: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a	Relationship?

Very good insights Ken and Wayne. Thank you! 

As I was saying to Scott, I don't know about the "same as you in a partner" theory. I know scientists state this, but I just like variety I guess. If someone is like me, they are boring to me. I enjoy a mystery wrapped in an enigma. There are differences I think that can even compliment, I think, and improve or help the both of you. I also don't think I have the reproductive inhibitions you were talking about that most guys or woman have. Probably because no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to reproduce with another man. : ). But I also think that having relations with one man I find only a little bit attractive, or not all, doesn't prevent me from also having relations with a more attractive one  a little later.  I would image
 that option isn't so possible in a man/woman relationship and would make their selection process more narrow and focused on one purpose of the relationship. 

"The different strokes for different strokes" I think is very true. What one person likes another might be repulsed by. The reason I asked about looks versus personality is that I also perceived it as an either or situation. You either get someone that looks exactly like you want a partner to and are highly attracted to them, or they have the personality and behavior you enjoy in a partner. Someone you love talking to, or someone you love looking at. For me, I don't think it is possible to have both. I love the interesting older, mature mind that only comes with an older man, but I like the body that comes with a younger man. I figure, it is best to shoot for the middle somewhere. Someone that you greatly enjoy talking to, but is still attractive enough to keep it physical
 too. Am I odd in thinking that way?

Donovan J. Arnold

From: Kenneth Marcy <kmmos1 at frontier.com>
To: Moscow Vision2020 <vision2020 at moscow.com> 
Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2012 4:23 PM
Subject: Re: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

On 7/18/2012 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold wrote:

I was wondering what people look for in a life partner, what standards do they have. 

What is most important in a relationship?
Your expectations and assumptions of and about yourself and the other should match well enough that the differences are unimportant.

Usually, one does not often consider the variety and diversity of various general characteristics of a potential partner because one most often assumes they will be the same as one's own, and thus not a concern. Failure to consider these general characteristics may be a source of avoidable difficulty.

What character traits do you look for?
Perhaps unfortunately (or not, if you enjoy the exploration process), people do not come with specification sheets that can be scanned quickly to arrive a conclusion of acceptability or not. (Bad chip! No power for you!)

More often one finds some combination of surface attraction and social connection that requires exploration to determine whether a comfortable working partnership can be created without remodeling one or both partners.

>From what cultural background does the other person come? Is that background your background? If not, you have some exploring, learning, and considering to do. What do you think, feel, and care about that culture, those people, and your potential person's position within it? How do they consider you as a part of your milieu?

Why are these questions important? Because you want to minimize the number and level of low-grade,
 intermittent conflicts with which you must deal after a decision to proceed with a relationship is made.

What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?
Usually looks are not too much of a concern because your deep-brain bad-match-screener, your genetic reproductive rejector, will unconsciously rule out most unacceptably extreme candidates right away, so you won't waste time on those with whom you know you will not succeed.

How does the ideal candidate appear? The first suggestion as an answer is to look in your mirror. Wisecracks and jokes aside, your ideal more likely is like you than not. Certainly differences will eventuate, but more and greater differences lead to a lower likelihood of longer-term success.

Behavior and attitude are process characteristics exhibited over time rather than status characteristics evaluated at a point in time. Earnings statement versus balance sheet items, if you understand an
 accounting analogy.

What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a partner you know you would not find that attractive in the near future, but they had a loving character and personality?
If you feel you won't find someone attractive in the near future, you probably won't waste time on them at all simply because you can make that rejection decision quickly. Discovering character and personality takes time, and most people won't spend a lot of time determining the character of an individual they consider unattractive.

How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if you knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them and do that to them?
Whose health and well-being are you considering? Yours or the other persons? Looking to marry your geriatric care nurse seems to be a tricky business, at best, even if you are willing to be the other person's nurse.

What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, or is any financial situation OK with a partner you love?
This is an area where you need to return to your assumptions, conscious and otherwise, about your culture, social setting, and family, and then reconsider your expectations of your role within that milieu. Then consider how your prospect might fit into that picture. Then reverse roles and consider your prospect's milieu, and how you might fit into it. Do they match? Or is there significant dissonance?

<[snip]>

In years past people had less freedom, fewer options, and were expected to endure a wider range of discomforts and imperfections. People made do as they were able with what they had. Nowadays, with more freedom, more options, and fewer expectations, it is actually harder to achieve success, either in others' eyes, or in one's own,
 simply because the standards are greater in number and more multifaceted in character.

Success isn't just a set of goals, it's also a process to be enjoyed. The more capable you and your partner are, the more you likely will achieve and enjoy.

Ken

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