[Vision2020] The Mariners new low - it can only get better from here!

[Carl Westberg]

Speaking of baseball, this from the Onion.........
WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington
third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building
rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing
Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn to each other in shock, and
immediately run full speed out of Nationals Park.



"As soon as I hit it, I knew it was headed straight toward Capitol
Hill—I just kept saying to myself, 'Not the dome, not the dome, not the
dome,'" Zimmerman said. Both teams, all four umpires, and the 32,457
fans in attendance winced in horror, however, as the ball kept
carrying, made a loud smashing noise, and left a gaping hole in the
rotunda's neoclassical architecture.



"We are so dead," Zimmerman added.



As the teams grabbed the bases and scrambled out of the stadium, the
Pirates yelled to the Nationals that they were in "big trouble." The
Nationals refuted that claim, screaming that "if [Pirates left-fielder]
Jason [Bay] could run at all, he would've tracked down the ball and
caught it" before it struck the 200-year-old structure, which stands
1.7 miles from the ballpark. 



However, as soon as the teams heard the Capitol Building's front
door swing open, they put their differences aside and sped frantically
back to their hotel rooms.



"Congress is going to be so mad," said Nationals first baseman Nick
Johnson, peering out his window, expecting to see the 535 members of
the House and Senate pull into the hotel parking lot. "This was the
worst time to do it, too, because they're already in a bad mood, what
with the election stuff and the war and the recession, and all."



"Aw, man, we're never gonna get that ball back," Johnson added.



The team, however, has urged outfielder Lastings Milledge to dress
up in a suit, sneak into the Capitol Building, retrieve the ball, and
make the necessary repairs on the shattered sandstone walls of the dome
before anyone notices.



According to eyewitnesses in the Capitol, the ball smashed into the dome at about 3:35 p.m., tore through the Apotheosis Of Washington—a
150-year-old, 4,664-square-foot fresco painted on the inside of the
rotunda—and broke the arm off of a National Statuary Hall sculpture of
William Jennings Bryan. The ball then bounced into the Senate Chamber,
where it interrupted a vote on a $542.5 billion defense authorization
bill, and landed directly in the mashed potatoes of early-dining Senate
Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), covering him with gravy and
prompting him to exclaim, "Zimmer-maaaaannnn!"



Although McConnell had no evidence at the time that Zimmerman was
responsible for the damages, he was the chief suspect, as he is the
only National able to hit the ball farther than 300 feet. Furthermore,
Zimmerman dented McConnell's 1998 Buick LeSabre last week when he
overthrew first base by 15,000 feet on a routine grounder.



"This is unacceptable—Capitol rotundas don't just grow on trees, you
know," read a statement drafted by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi following
the event. "Not only are these damages going to cost a fortune—a fortune—to
repair, but we specifically told the Washington Nationals baseball
organization a thousand times before the season started to be
extra-careful and to try not to hit the ball to left field."



The statement went on to demand that the Nationals pay for all the
damages, which total over $400 million—more than five times the entire
team payroll. Because of this, players are expected to either find
part-time jobs to cover the cost or work off the expenses by taking
positions as congressional aides in the offseason. 



The Pirates have promised to chip in $5, claiming that is all they have right now.



"This stinks," said Zimmerman, who attempted to persuade local
resident Henry Adelson, a Nationals season-ticket holder and D.C.-area
insurance claims adjuster, to take the rap for him and say he was the
one who hit the ball. "We shouldn't have to stop playing just because
the lousy U.S. Capitol got in the way. And also hitting the Capitol
Building should be an automatic home run."



On Tuesday, Congress announced an initiative to move the Nationals
franchise from D.C. to Oklahoma City, Portland, or anywhere far enough
away that a batted ball or errant throw will not cause significant
damage to American landmarks.



However, President Bush has called such actions "unnecessary" and
"too harsh," saying that all will be forgiven if the players come down
from their hotel rooms, say they're sorry, promise to be more careful,
and allow Bush to participate in team batting practice every day from
now through the 2016 season.
> Date: Wed, 14 May 2008 12:05:19 -0700
> From: sdredge at yahoo.com
> To: vision2020 at moscow.com
> Subject: [Vision2020] The Mariners new low - it can only get better from	here!
> 
> The Mariners have sunk to a Major League WORST record of 15-26.  The good news is that things can't get any worse since they have now completely bottomed out.  And by the way, they're also presently losing 2-1 in the 5th inning against the Texas Rangers.  A win today by the Rangers would complete yet another 3 game sweep of the Mariners.
> 
> -Scott
> 
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