[Vision2020] Planning, Development, and God

[Tom Hansen]

Planning, Development and God
By Richard Carson

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In 6 months I'm going to make it 
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people 
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind 
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And 
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. 

"6 months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have 
the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord 
saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no 
Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" 

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big 
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction 
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to 
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark 
needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building 
the Ark in my front yard so, I had to get a variance from the city 
planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, 
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to 
convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the 
owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters 
formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement 
with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw 
or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no 
owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights 
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got 
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark 
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. 
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the 
conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood 
plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a 
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many 
Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming 
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a 
notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five 
years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A 
rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're 
not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. 

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho
 
"We're a town of about 23,000 with 10,000 college students. The college 
students are not very active in local elections (thank goodness!)."

- Dale Courtney (March 28, 2007)


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