[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher" (April 27, 2007)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rule: No more pictures of dead people in their coffins. It's a funeral,
not a Kodak moment. I don't want to remember Boris Yeltsin on his back, eyes
closed and lifeless. I want to remember Boris Yeltsin as he lived: on his
back, eyes closed, and lifeless. Oh, he's dead. He won't hurt.

New Rule: When scientists find a new planet that's just like Earth, they
have to give it a better name than Gliese 581. It sounds like an alias in a
chat room. Are we supposed to explore it or think it's a horny teenager - go
to its galaxy looking for sex and end up on "Dateline." 

New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out
yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I
get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I
suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, f*ck you, I'm an American
consumer! Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications,
it should also whiten my teeth.

New Rule: For the sake of human existence, K-Fed must not be allowed to mate
with Paris Hilton. Or as I like to call her, "K-Y." You know, when the Pope
saw this picture, he changed his opinion on abortion from "it's murder" to
"okay, but just this once."

And, finally, New Rule: Guns don't kill people; crazy people kill people.
Last week, in response to the Virginia Tech shootings, President Bush said,
"When people see somebody who is exhibiting abnormal behavior, you do
something about it." Thanks for the heads-up, McGruff.

But, if that's the case, then I want to warn the country about a man I saw
last night on TV. He's six feet tall, Caucasian and he goes by the title
"President of the United States." [photo of Bush making face shown]

I'm not kidding. George Bush is the crazy person we need to keep an eye on.
He needs to stop taking money from the pharmaceutical lobby and start
accepting samples. Only a delusional person could watch Alberto Gonzales
before Congress last week do everything but say, "No hablo Ingles"- and rip
up a picture of the Pope, and conclude that it "increased his confidence in
the man." That's called disassociation from reality.

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing
the same action over and over, expecting different results." And then it
says, "See: 'The Surge.'" Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my
professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

He thinks the terrorists hate us for our freedom, and believes they're going
to follow us home. That's why he keeps obsessively clearing brush, so Osama
can't use it for cover.

Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't
there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things
that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have
trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that
aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus?
Telling you to start a war in the Middle East. 

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also
suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are
conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of
Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't
believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25
percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this
year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ! 

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're
going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to
doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think
this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting
booth.

There's only one job you can be trusted with, and that's picking out Phil
Spector's next hairdo.

---------------------------------------------------

Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"We're a town of about 23,000 with 10,000 college students. The college
students are not very active in local elections (thank goodness!)."

- Dale Courtney (March 28, 2007)