[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher" (February 23, 2007)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher" by Bill Maher -

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New Rule: Don't encourage the boneheads I see walking and driving around to
be walking and driving around while they watch TV! According to Steve Jobs,
you're just not cool anymore unless you're stumbling down the wrong street
watching "Lost." It's true. I saw it on my phone. Say what you want about
people who read while they drive, at least it's reading. 

New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and
extremely talented. Aretha Franklin is a diva. Jennifer Hudson, a diva in
training. You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange
County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday. If you act like a
diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch." 

And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as
women keep acting crazy. Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to
answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie
Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker. 

But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for
any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president.
I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As
opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.

Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get
PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong
country.

So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I
could think was one thing. Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally
match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between
now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-s**t, it's just going to
give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready
for a woman president. And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!

Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem. Now, I'm not
saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that
until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects.
After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.

But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator. Lindsay
Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare. And Anna Nicole Smith,
you need to get yourself buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's
reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral! 

And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll
have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.


And, of course, above all, no one - no one marries Tom Cruise. 

It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency
version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my
lifetime. So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no
problem pulling his lever for a woman."

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"