[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (September 22, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

>From "Real Time" with Bill Maher (September 22, 2006)-

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New Rule: Hungary and Thailand, and any other country thinking about having
a coup, had better figure it out for themselves, because all our troops are
busy directing traffic in Fallujah. Thanks to President "Numbnuts" and his
father issues we don't have the men to guard Biloxi! So every other place on
earth except Iraq, "Walk it off." Thailand and Hungary, until we run out of
gypsies, sex workers, goulash and smack, you're on your own. 

New Rule: It's okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It
seems like in every commercial on TV, it's always the black guy who knows
the fastest wireless network, knows the best car rental company, knows the
best place to buy music. You know, black people aren't always smarter than
white people. It just seems that way by comparison. [slide shown of
Rumsfeld, Powell, Bush and Cheney] 

New Rule: Bring back lamps where the switch is on the actual lamp and not
three feet down the cord! How come we used to be able to make lamps with an
on-off switch where you'd naturally look for it? You know, on the part I
like to call, "the lamp." But now it's on the cord? Did we lose the
technology? I'm going to fight this. I'm going to bring back the lamp with
the switch where it belongs, or my name's not Andy Rooney. 

And finally, New Rule: Until we win World War III and crush the "evil
doers," in what our president calls "a struggle for civilization," all law
enforcement people have to work on that and not on busting Willie Nelson. 

This week, Willie Nelson, who Donald Rumsfeld calls "the number-two man in
Al Qaeda," was the victim of a pointless search that revealed he had with
him a mere pound and a half of marijuana. And a fifth of a pound of
psychedelic mushrooms. Or as Willie calls it, "breakfast." 

Yes, that's right. Cops in Louisiana this week hassled Willie Nelson,
demanded he cut his hair, and shot Peter Fonda off his motorcycle. I mean,
come on, Louisiana. Your state was underwater a year ago. If the man wants
some of it for his bong, let him. Yes, he had mushrooms; he's a
hundred-year-old hippie; they were growing in his hair! 

Are we trying to send the message to other aging celebrities who might be
thinking about recreational drug use? Watch out, Wilford Brimley! Alberto
Gonzales wants to know what you're sprinkling on your Quaker Oats. 

Let us not forget the president's words, all 12 of them. "This country," he
said, "is in a fight against a lethal enemy...spinach." Which, by the way,
Willie also used to smoke. But he gave it up around the time Bush got off
the coke. You see, everybody's got something. 

But if there's one drug above all we should be cracking down on, it's oil.
Oil is the addiction. That is the addiction poisoning our lungs and our
political system and our foreign policy. Willie Nelson, high though he might
have been, was on a bus that didn't pollute anything, because it runs on
biodiesel. But - but biodiesel threatens the profits of big oil, which means
the only way we're ever going to legalize pot is to convince Bush and Cheney
it's a petroleum product. And it may be. All my bongs have a carburetor. 

Hemp is another product that threatens oil and timber profits because it has
so many uses, like rope and biofuel and textiles. The Declaration of
Independence is written on it. President Bush could use it to make another
"Mission Accomplished" banner. If he could only accomplish a mission. [to
Rios] "Love the sinner." 

But that's hard when you lose focus. So let's focus on defending America and
leave the singers and the medical marijuana patients alone. Because, believe
me, when you bite into one of their special baked goods, in about 20
minutes, you'll be saying, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie!"

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Vandalville, Idaho

"If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around
in your head, I'd read your blog."

- Bill Maher