[Vision2020] New Rules From "Real lTime with Bill Maher (September 1, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

>From the September 1, 2006 episode of "Real Time with Bill Maher" -

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New Rule: If the evil president of Iran wants to meet Bush one-on-one so
badly, Bush should agree. But the Bush team should arrange to have the
meeting in a clam bar in Little Italy. Have Clemenza tape a gun behind the
toilet...Order the cannoli, then go to the men's room, get the revolver -
oh, wait, who am I kidding? This numb-nuts will just screw it up. Send
Cheney. 

New Rule: This is going to sound harsh, but it has to be said. Don't let
your dog drive. This week, a woman in Mongolia crashed her car while trying
to teach her dog to drive. And the worst part wasn't the accident. It was
when the cops came and the dog blamed it on the Jews. 

New Rule: And I never thought I'd be saying this to an accused
child-molester: [photo shown of John Mark Karr] "Pull down your pants!" At
least a little. You know, below the nipples. If you don't want people to
think you're a delusional retard, don't dress like this guy. [photo of
Martin Short as Ed Grimley shown] 

And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Don't say, "Her and I were engaged
in a romantic and very sexual interaction." It's "she and I." "Her" is an
object; "she" is a subject. Keep making mistakes like that, Mr. Karr, and
you'll never get another teaching job. 

And finally, New Rule: If converting to Islam is all it takes to get the
terrorists off our backs, then all I have to say is: [does screaming
ululation] Now, this week, when two Fox News journalists were released by
their Hamas kidnappers, I was shocked: Fox News has journalists?!

No, the shocking part of it was that all these westerners had to do to get
the blade literally off their neck was say they were Muslims. Just recite a
two-line pledge, just say the words, "There is no God but Allah, Muhammad is
his messenger,"and - oh, whoops. There, I did it. I'm now Bill
Al-Sheikh-Yer-Booty. Welcome to Saudi America.

Now I know what you're thinking: Bill, if we convert to Islam, doesn't that
mean the terrorists have won? Well, sort of, but it's a win-win. Because
they get to declare victory, and we get to take hair gel on the plane! Plus,
we're not really converting to Islam. We're just telling our enemies what
they want to hear, and trying to convince them we're something we're really
not. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it: campaigning.

And it's so simple to convert this way. You know, if you want to convert to
Judaism, it's a huge hassle. You've got to find a rabbi, study the Torah,
get circumcised, go to dental school. But Muhammad made joining his team
easy: two-line pledge, you're in. Which would you go for? The two-line
pledge or lopping off the business end of your meat thermometer?

And the best part is that nothing that really matters to you will be
different. It's not like we're asking you to change your email address. We'd
be Muslims in name only, instead of what Americans are now: Christians in
name only. 

I mean, look around. We don't care for the poor or defer to the meek, or
avoid judging people. It's not like we're that committed to Christianity. In
fact, the other day, I heard a nun say, "Sure, I love Jesus, but I'm not
married to him." 

I know my plan will meet some resistance. But it shouldn't come from the
right, because converting to Islam will just give conservative Christians
more of everything they love. Pray five times a day? Where do I sign up? You
mean we can stone homosexuals instead of just bitching about them on talk
radio? Thank you, Jesus! I mean, Allah. 

We're a nation in thrall to religious fanatics anyway. Does it really matter
which fanatics we're in thrall to? They're both full of moral pieties and
codes of conduct nobody follows anyway. So let's pick the one that lets us
take HAIR GEL ON THE PLANE!

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"