[Vision2020] GOP Ineptitude and Dome Advice for Dems (Molly Ivins)

[Tom Hansen]

>From "Creators: A Syndicate of Talent" at www.Creators.com - 

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GOP INEPTITUDE AND SOME ADVICE FOR DEMS
By Molly Ivins


"There's no doubt in my mind, with your help, Dave Lamberti will be the next
United States congressman." -- President George Bush last week, endorsing
Jeff Lamberti 

AUSTIN, Texas -- Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., has announced his candidacy
for the president of the United States. Until now, he's barely been noticed
as a guy who took money from Brent Wilkes and Mitchell Wade, whose bribes to
Randy "Duke" Cunningham led to his resignation from Congress and a plea of
guilty to bribery charges. Hunter is widely expected to be the next
congressman indicted in this scandal. 

As for the chair of the House Armed Services Committee's presidential
candidacy, we have been thinking of scarcely little else around here. It's
about time we had some good news.

There's so much evidence stacking up in the "Can't These People Do Anything
Right?" File, you'd suspect their secret strategy is to reward incompetence.
It's like the hiring of Michael "Brownie" Brown at FEMA or John Bolton at
the United Nations -- it's just hard to imagine why. 

So now the latest report from the special inspector general for Iraq
reconstruction says we have lost track of hundreds of thousands guns we
shipped to Iraq, many of which likely are now being used to kill our
soldiers. For this administration, "Whose in charge of getting the plastic
forks for the potato salad at the company picnic?" has deadly consequences. 

A depressing story like this, and the week has barely even begun. I hate to
imagine what will be on our plates by Friday.

So with the Bushies continuing their tailspin, it might be time to review
the rules in case WE WIN in the upcoming midterm elections: 

I realize for many Democrats it has been so long since we won, we have
completely forgotten the etiquette. And I realize I'm taking a chance here
-- there's nothing more dangerous that overconfidence -- but you have to
practice for victory as well as defeat. 

First rule: No gloating. Actually, there is gloating aloud, but only in the
exclusive presence of other Democrats. Gloating in the face of Republicans
is rude and unsportsmanlike, and just gives them one more thing to complain
about. Also, remember there is a possibility there may be some Republicans
on the civil service staff -- I have seen this when the R's win -- and it is
really not good manners to watch them wailing around with their eyes
brimming with tears. 

Second, I'm sure we will all be full of grand theories if Republicans lose
and we win. Dems will be ready to be helpful, offer advice and sort of try
to perk the R's up. I do not recommend this. It somehow never feels to me
when R's are dumping truckloads of good advice on the D's that they are,
actually, sincere about it. 

Third, celebratory jigs, reels and renditions of "Danny Boy" are best
limited to Irish bars. 

Fourth, try to refrain from insulting Republicans en masse. A good start
would be, "You know, it was mostly the ones under indictment that hurt you."

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Politicians are like diapers.  They should be changed frequently and for
the same reason."

- Robin Williams