[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher" (11/17/2006)

[Tom Hansen]

All right. New Rule: Someone has to explain to President Bush that a
timetable doesn't involve him actually having to know his times tables. I
finally figured out the problem. Someone suggests "timetable" and he thinks,
"6 times 9; 8 times 7...f*** it, no way, stay the course."

New Rule: You can't tell me you're making James Bond up-to-date when he's
still wearing a tuxedo to the casino. Have you been to Laughlin, Nevada?
You're lucky if the player sitting next to you puts in his teeth! You know
how you can tell a high roller? His sweatpants are clean! There's a name for
people who wear tuxedos in casinos: magicians.

New Rule: Let the Bush twins have a cocktail. You know, every time one of
the Bush twins is spotted with a drink, somebody puts a picture of it on the
internet. Who cares? You don't worry about a Bush when they're drinking.
Worry about them when they get sober! These girls are 24, and I, for one,
applaud their self-control. If my dad were President Bush, I'd be drunk in
public so often, James Baker would have me killed.

And finally, New Rule: When the Iraq Study Group gets done studying Iraq,
they have to study America. Now, I know liberals have been on a high these
last ten days. And it can't be the meth because that's a gay evangelical
drug. But, let's remember that all that really happened was Republicans went
so bat-sh*t for so long that common sense seemed like a new idea.

But we still don't have real diversity. Oh, Congress looks like America,
black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and whatever else is in Barack Obama-but
diversity of thought? There's not one atheist in Congress, not one person
who favors legalizing drugs, not even one who'd admit they like to party!
Except Nancy Pelosi, she's a freak.

Oh, if only she were. But Nancy Pelosi isn't going to try to cut the defense
budget or really tax gasoline or socialize hospitals. The far right has
taken over the Republican Party.  But the far left? Doesn't even exist. If
we were really looking for a new direction, we wouldn't just change
Congress, we'd have another Constitutional Convention, as Thomas Jefferson
suggested we do.

That's right. Jefferson said, "Let us provide in our Constitution for its
revision every 20 years." Because no founder, no matter how brilliant, could
have imagined the iPod! Or global warming. Or assault rifles. Or roving
wiretaps. They couldn't imagine using toilet paper instead of bark!

If Ben Franklin got beamed in to visit us today, the first thing he'd say
is, "For $17 I get porn on the hotel TV all day?" And then he'd say, "You
guys are still using that same old thing we wrote over 200 years ago, that
we told you to revise?! That's so nuts, hemp must still be legal!"

So I could name a dozen things that could use a rewrite in the Constitution,
like getting rid of the Electoral College. And getting rid of "corporate
personhood." But, for today, let's just start with that vague part about
what you can get impeached for. How about, starting unnecessary wars, yes;
getting blown, no.

And while we're at it, let's get rid of the 22nd Amendment that says you
can't run for president more than twice? Because that's just hatin'. If a
guy can win the popular vote, he should be able to run, or that's not a
democracy. Bill Clinton should be able to run for president in 2008, period.
It would be worth it just to see him debate Hillary.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Madness does not always howl.  Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end
of the day saying, 'Hey, is there room in your head for one more?'"

- Author Unknown