[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher"

[Tom Hansen]

New Rule: Stop hassling me about my Halloween costume. [photo of Maher in
Dead Steve Irwin costume] Yes, you've seen it on the Internet. I went as the
Crocodile Hunter with the bloody stinger in my chest. Because people who
really love animals understand that if you get killed by one, chances are
you were doing something to it you shouldn't have been. You want me to
apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry? 

New Rule: You can't write your autobiography if you haven't done anything.
Kevin Federline says he's going to write the story of his life before
Britney. Great. Three hundred pages of a guy smoking weed and playing X-Box.
Look out, Tom Wolfe. I guess, now that K-Fed has conquered the music world,
he wants to see if he can get booed off stage at a book signing. A spokesman
for the letter "J" said, "If this book is published, the alphabet will sue
for slander." 

New Rule: No more public marriage proposals. When you hire a skywriting
plane, or propose to your girlfriend at a ballgame, every unmarried woman is
looking at her man like, "Well..." And you're not helping the married men,
either, whose wives are remembering how they proposed to them in flip-flops,
cargo shorts and a "Who Farted?" tee-shirt. By saying, "What the hell, I'm
going bald anyway." 

New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something
new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little
Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in
the original, black-and-white kinescope? This shameless hyping of
previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind
of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid
Observer, now available in paperback. 

And finally - oh, and Jack, you might want to take notes to rebut this - I
brought a pen and paper for you-[he hands Kingston a pen and pad] 

KINGSTON: I'm on the case. 

MAHER: And if you can't, because we end the show on this, when we get -
after - when the show closes, we go to our HBO.com. We will let you have the
first word. 

But finally, New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up,
Democrats, it's as simple as A-B-C. "Always Be Closing." First prize:
subpoena power in the new Congress. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third
prize: you're fired. The election is four days away and I'm through dicking
around with you. 

Here are the leads. Here are your talking points. 

One: when they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say, "We have to because
someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and
not killing Osama bin Laden." 

In just six years, the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending
money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics. That's just
called, "Don't be Michael Jackson." 

Two: When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say, "Are
you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream." He inflames
radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from
it. It's like a guy throwing sh*t on you and then selling you relief from
the flies. 

Three: When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeat-ocrat," you say, "Bush lost
the war. Period." All this nonsense - this nonsense about "the violence is
getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election";
no, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of
a cocktail napkin at Applebee's. 

And of course Democrats want to win. But that's impossible now that you've
ethnically-cleansed the place by making it unlivable. Just like you did with
New Orleans. 

Four: When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are
denigrating the troops, you say, "You're completely full of sh*t." Remember
when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that
debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of sh*t." If I was a
troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of
people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare!
That's how I would feel supported. 

So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're
welcome." Sometimes, good people have to intercede to prevent dire
consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but
what if Roseanne had offered to sing? 

So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the
obstructionists and the enablers. There's your talking point. Vote
Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor.
A retarded, child emperor-but an emperor. 

So, Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and close! And it's not
about slogans this time. Although, when it comes to slogans, the only one
I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is, "The Republican Party: We're
Sorry."

---------------------------------------------------------

Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Madness does not always howl.  Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end
of the day saying, 'Hey, is there room in your head for one more?'"

- Author Unknown