[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (May 5, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (May 5, 2006)

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It's time for New Rules. 

Okay, New Rule: Anna Nicole Smith can't get pregnant until Britney's baby
grows up. There are just not enough investigators at Child Family Services
to keep these two infants alive at the same time. Anna Nicole, if you're
that desperate for a toothless human who can barely speak and cries every
time he sees your breasts, find yourself another husband. But that went too
far. I love that. After all the things we talked about. But Anna Nicole,
that's too far. 

New Rule: If Latino immigrants want to be taken seriously, they have to stop
wearing the giant hats! The civil rights marchers in the fifties didn't
dress like Buckwheat and carry watermelons! You're a proud immigrant
demanding his rights! Not the Frito-Bandito! 

New Rule: Keep Jesus out of strip clubs. A former dancer from Las Vegas has
founded "JC's Girls," a ministry that brings the healing power of the Lord
directly to America's strip clubs and adult businesses. Do you people have
to ruin everything? You've got the White House, the Congress, the Supreme
Court. Can't you leave us heathens a couple of titty bars out by the
airport? The only good news a guy wants to hear in a strip club is, "Sure
you can touch me there." Or so I've heard. 

And finally, New Rule: If you want to live the American dream, move to
Europe. According to a new study, climbing up the economic ladder in this
country is much harder than in just about every other wealthy nation. If
you're born poor here, you pretty much stay that way. And fat-cat catering
Republicans get poor people to vote for them because they get them to vote
their dreams, not their self-interests. That's why lots of people of modest
means are all for getting rid of the estate tax, a tax which affects one
percent of us, the richest one percent of us. You know, the ones with
estates. 

A category also familiar by the name, "Not you." You know, America has a
lottery mentality. We think we can party till we're 40, fail in business
after business, and then somehow wind up as president of the United States. 

Okay, bad example. But our philosophy does come from the lottery. Hey, you
never know! Yes, I do. In America, if you're not born rich, you'll die
tryin', bitch. Because you're not going to win the lottery. You're not going
to inherit a fortune from a distant relative. Or marry a prince. Or get that
call from Hollywood saying they're making a movie out of your MySpace page. 

Oh, yeah. According to a recent survey, 98% of college freshman agreed with
the statement, "I am sure that one day I will get where I want to be in
life." I'm sorry. You have yourself mixed up with the Asian kid. 

You know, I have never understood how Americans can talk so much about
dreams, how great it is to have a dream, but make absolutely no judgments
about what the dream is! Does it matter that your kids all want to be
rockers and rappers and ballers and divas? Watch MTV for a day. You'll see.
Your kid's dream is to be on "Cribs," living in a 50-room mansion with a
shark tank and a Whitney Houston "crack nook." It's a dream about being able
to spend your life pigging out on ego and money and attention in the way
only this wonderful business of ours allows. 

So, fine. But do we have to admire it? Do we have to treat that dream the
same as if it was a dream to teach, or join Doctors Without Borders? Do we
have to...do we have to honor our kids for wanting to go from rags...to
bitches? For wanting to live out an eternal weekend that never turns to
Monday, snorting caviar off their Bentleys and air-guitaring their way to
the cover of Us magazine? Sadly, yes. Or they'll refuse to teach you how to
clear the porn trail off your computer. 

So I'm not saying, "Stop dreaming." I'm just saying, "Wake up." Because no
one is ever going to give you half-a-billion dollars for sitting around like
a lump. They can't. They've already given it to this "bastard." [photo shown
of Lee Raymond]

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"