[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (February 24, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

>From last Friday's (February 24, 2006) "Real Time with Bill Maher" -

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It's now time for New Rules, everybody. 

All right. New Rule: Powerball Jackpot winners must stop saying they're not
sure if they're going to quit their jobs. Of course you're going to quit
your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your
job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable
ass in the Gucci smock. 

New Rule: Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and the sequins
and it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer
park, you'd call the cops. 

New Rule: If you're too lazy to peel your own fruit, get scurvy and die!
Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they're too busy to peel oranges,
Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be
outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a new cone-less ice cream that your
mother pre-chews and spits down your throat. 

New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we
prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's
drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it
with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal
it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun. 

New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always
have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more
exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most
entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the
brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!" 

And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle
from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the
good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with
11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth
again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out. 

At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform
the opening number at the Grammys- -Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a
news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something,
there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over
here!" 

Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I
don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already
had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough
children! 

Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro
fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy. 

But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for
35-year-old lesbians. 

MANJI: Too old for that. 

GLOVER: I'm too old. 

MANJI: Been there, done that. 

MAHER: I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a
vibrating turkey-baster-ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came
to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up. 

Look, I wouldn't make such a big thing out of it, but it turns out Ms. Wulf
is not the first over-60-year-old to have a baby in the last decade. There
is a virtual epidemic of granny-sluts who insist on squeezing out children
who, when they get older, will face many uncomfortable moments, like when
it's parents' day at school and the kid shows up with an urn. 

Why is creating life under any conditions whatsoever so applauded when there
are already millions of unwanted kids around the world? And Angelina Jolie
can't save them all! In fact, somebody has got to tell this chick that
sometimes when you go to a foreign country, it's okay just to bring home a
tee-shirt. 

I mean, it's not a crime to be an old lady, is it? In fact, one of the great
things about it is that when you have sex, you don't have to worry about
getting pregnant. It's like being gay, but not as cool. So don't think of it
as being barren. Think of it as "Brokehip Mountain."

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom "and the voices" Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." 

-Emo Philips