[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (April 21, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from the April 21, 2006 episode of "Real Time" with Bill Maher -

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It is time for New Rules, everybody.

Yes, once again this week, we have found some New Rules. 

New Rule: Angelina Jolie must adopt Britney Spears' baby. Britney Spears was
recently blessed with a drooling, helpless, little dependent. And after
marrying Kevin Federline, they had a baby. Since then, that baby's been
dropped and misplaced more often than a set of car keys. First, Britney
blamed the nanny, then she blamed the high chair, then she blamed the media.
Hold on, I think we've found a replacement for Scott McClellan! 

Speaking of which, New Rule: Scott McClellan must move to Hollywood and get
into show business. He's proven he's got the two skills needed to make it
big in this town: lying and pretending the boss is a genius. All he needs
now is a Prius and a trophy wife and he'll be running Warner Bros. in a
year. 

New Rule: Tom Cruise must eat his baby and rename his movie. Apparently the
sequel to "Mission: Impossible II" isn't "Mission: Impossible III." It's
"m:i:3." That's "m-colon-i-colon-3." I guess Tom just likes fitting in
colons. And on the...and on the home front, he's already announced plans to
eat his baby's placenta...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Tom, just
go ahead and finish the whole thing, because that kid is going to be one
screwed up little Martian anyway. Even Michael Jackson is thinking, "Wow, I
never literally ate a kid." They get cranky later on in the evening. 

New Rule: Sending someone a birthday e-card doesn't count. If you can't get
your s*** together enough to go to Sav-On and pick out an actual physical
birthday card, don't bother. I'm not expecting Hallmark. I know you don't
care enough to send the "very best," but just don't send the very worst. Or
else, when you die, I'll be forced to deliver an e-eulogy. 

And finally, New Rule: Democrats have to claim their rightful place as the
party of environmental protection. Now...for way too long, Republicans have
been getting away with rolling their eyes when anyone mentions the planet.
You know, as if it's "Smurf Forest" we're talking about instead of the one
and only place we can survive!

Now, tomorrow is Earth Day, when President Bush gets his picture taken in
front of a tree and Dick Cheney shoots whatever flies out of it. And, as
despicable as this administration's record on the environment is, it never
was their issue. But Al Gore made a living in the Senate talking about the
environment. He makes a living talking about it now. It's just when he was
running for president that he shut up. And that's why Democrats keep losing.
They don't stand up for what they believe in, yes, like "girly-men", from
making the counter-argument. 

"How can we explain climate change in a 30-second campaign ad?" Oh, I don't
know. How about this: "The Republicans want your children to die." There, I
did it with 28 seconds left. Is that scaring us? Well, somebody ought to. 

How come the Republicans can pick seemingly bogus, random issues like
activist judges and boys kissing, and Mexicans pouring over our borders, and
get everyone all worked up about it, and the Democrats can't figure out how
to demagogue Armageddon? 

Hey...you know what else is pouring over our borders? Greenland. You know,
Republicans do a lot of things badly, like plan wars and balance budgets
and...dance. But they sure understand that the winner in an election is the
one who scares the most crap out of the voters. "Gay marriage!" "Terror
alerts!" "The war on Christmas!" How long before Janet Jackson's tit strikes
again?! And it's a lot bigger now. 

But the environment is real. You can smell it. In parts of Houston, you can
grab hunks of it with your hands and use it to lube your car! And if there
is a single face you might want to use to personify this evil, he was in the
news this week: the retiring and handsomely-compensated chairman of Exxon
Mobil, Lee "Fat Bastard" Raymond. [photos shown of Lee Raymond and character
"Fat Bastard" from Austin Powers film] 

If Lee looks like he's been eating the earth, he has. Even worse, his
company has been paying for fake science to confuse people into thinking
global warming was still too iffy to act on. You know, if the Democrats
can't make this prick into their Willy Horton, they are so pathetic, they
might as well go ahead and nominate for president that nice blonde lady who
married Bill Clinton. You'll thank me in a year. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I literally fear for my kids' future, and I don't even
have kids. Glacier National Park in Montana, you know, named for its
glaciers, had 150 glaciers when they opened. It's got 26 left today. If we
don't take care of places like Montana, we're going to faced with an even
bigger problem: gay married men with absolutely no place to go fishing.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

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And why shouldn't the rich pay taxes?

"The people that write laws are greedy.  They need money to buy votes.  What
better way to get it than to extract it, by force of law, from the
relatively few who can afford the nicer things in life.  If you can buy
something nice then you can pay more taxes so that politicians can give
something to the 'poor' and take a cut for themselves."
 
- Varnel W. (March 20, 2006)

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