[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" With Bill Maher (March 31, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time" With Bill Maher (March 31, 2006)

Pay particular attention to the last three paragraphs and see if it reminds
you of anybody.

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Time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules. 

All right. New Rule: For the rest of his trial, Saddam Hussein has to be put
in that Hannibal Lecter thing. It'll cut down on the outbursts. Plus, we
need him to look evil. Instead of what he looks like right now: a viable
option. 

New Rule: Let me handle the New Rules! The NFL-the "No Fun League"-this
week, banned any prolonged or excessive end zone dances. No dropping to the
ground and no group celebrations. Although group sex later on a boat, fine.
But, come on, when a man does something truly heroic, like carry a little
ball across a line-shouldn't he be allowed to dance? This is-this is America
in the age of Bush. What part of "Gloating is good" don't you get? 

New Rule: There is a place to stop the dancing, and that would be in
commercials. Folks, if furniture polish makes you dance around the house,
you're drinking too much of it. If you're waltzing with the Domino's guy, or
if your hay fever medication causes you to air-tango in a wheat
field-perhaps you've accidentally slipped yourself a "roofy." Besides, if
you really want people dancing around your house, do what I did: put in a
stripper pole. I did not...It came with the house. 

New Rule: If you think Andy Card was the problem, there aren't enough air
holes in your bubble. For months, people have been telling the president
someone has to go. And that someone...is Andy Card? Yeah, let's hold onto
the torture guy, the no-armor guy, the Katrina guy, the guy who exposes CIA
agents, and the guy who shoots old men in the face. 

No, the real problem was this monster, Andy Card. Who wants to spend more
time with his family because they've never heard of him either! 

And finally, New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're
underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in
Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm
oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel. 

Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh,
that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all
three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller
list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind
that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but
the paranoia, that does scare me. 

Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose
a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No
kidding. Really, you mean people ar

en't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...to Jewish." In
Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by
two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual
overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy
eyes. Huge fags! 

The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists
are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking
values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if
you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high. 

And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted
for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and
conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe
Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or
raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as
well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. 

And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too
busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus
Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The
only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their
father's business and got crucified for it. 

Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in
the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians."
And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on
turning water into "whining"-and get off on their endless pretend
persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to
the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

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"In America, anybody can become president.  
That's one of the risks you take . . ."

- Adlai Stevenson

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