[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher (September 16, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

Greetings Visionaires -

Sorry about the tardiness in posting these New Rules, but I have been gone 
for a while and I have lots of catching up to do.

So, without further ado (and a thanks for the reminder to Mr. Nisbet) . . .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's time for this week's New Rules.

New Rule: Michael Brown must un-resign so he can be publicly fired. We are 
not letting you off that easy, Brownie. You can't just slink off midway 
through your service. This is FEMA, not the Texas Air National Guard.

New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround 
yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit 
kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, 
twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate 
is going to give you cancer."


New Rule: A terrorist threat should not end with the words, "Seriously, 
dude." A terrorist video has surfaced wherein an Al Qaeda operative from 
Orange County--threatened the U.S. Hey, face it, man, you're not a jihadist. 
You're Napoleon Dynamite with this mother's dishtowel on his head. Turn off 
the camcorder, go back to your parents' basement and download porn, you 
loser.

New Rule: Stop telling me celebrities are too thin, when really the rest of 
America is too fat. I think I know where Nicole Richie's boobs went. [photo 
of obese man in swimsuit] This guy's got 'em.

And finally, New Rule: For Christ's sake, no more devil movies. "The 
Exorcism of Emily Rose" opened huge last week, and it surprised a lot of 
people, mostly because Owen Wilson wasn't in it. But exorcism, or as the 
Catholics call it, "elective surgery," is a popular theme nowadays because 
it reinforces the comforting notion that evil resides outside of us.

Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And whenever I hear someone blame a bombing 
in Baghdad or a levee breaking in New Orleans on the forces of evil, it 
makes me so mad I just want to grab my pitchfork and stick it right through 
my cloven hoof!

Now, Americans have always loved devil movies: "The Exorcist," "The Omen," 
"Rosemary's Baby," "The Devil's Advocate." The list goes on forever because 
Americans love the devil. Why? Because he's simple and he provides a simple 
answer. He did it.

But evil is not a demon with a tail and horns. That's a Jew. And evil - evil 
isn't some spectral goblin with red eyes and the voice of Anthony Hopkins. 
That's Anthony Hopkins.

Is George Bush purely evil? Of course not. And that's what's so evil about 
him. He doesn't twirl a mustache and smirk and cackle. Well, he doesn't 
twirl a mustache. He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, 
he stirs up such a humongous mess it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton. 
But he is not pure evil.

Because evil is a chain. Did any one person doom New Orleans? No, it's a 
chain. People vote for a corrupt leader; a corrupt leader puts unqualified 
cronies in high places, and when those cronies fuck up, evil gets done. The 
devil didn't fly up from hell and knock a hole in that levee. The levee just 
didn't get built because the money for it went to rich people's tax cuts and 
pork projects and corporate welfare.

Evil isn't "Salem's Lot." It's Trent Lott. This week, an ailing American 
bald eagle was found to be dying from mercury poisoning. Republicans 
immediately tried to blame it on the eagle's lifestyle choices. But it's 
worth noting that also this week, the White House threatened to veto limits 
on mercury pollution. Now, pure evil would be if George Bush sat around the 
White House saying, "Let's poison eagles!" And even I don't believe George 
Bush would do that.

Cheney would do that. And even he is not pure evil. Dick Cheney doesn't hate 
poor children and caribou. They're just in the way.

Bottom line: some people think Satan is real and some people think global 
warming is real. If you think stopping gays from doing it is more important 
than the ice caps melting, the boogeyman is you...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho