[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (September 9, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

September 9, 2005

All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. 

Okay, New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. 

New Rule: Don't drag kids into adult fights. Everybody knows you don't
exploit children as pawns during a strike. You exploit children as pawns
during a divorce! Let's limit kids to their one true airline responsibility:
kicking the back of my seat. 

New Rule: The term, "CPT," which stands for Colored People's Time, based on
the belief that blacks are often late, must now be renamed "FGT," for
"Federal Government Time." And when people like Mike Brown walk in anywhere,
even five minutes late, everyone must roll their eyes and mumble, "FGT." 

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands. 

And finally, New Rule: America must recall the president. That's what this
country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election!
Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just
like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so
unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this
point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's
have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president! 

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you
anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't
start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck,
the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor
people. 

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out,
and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do
what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with
your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's
time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or
spaceman?! 

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other
things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I
know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and
eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the
church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But,
sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy
Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given
yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. 

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire
metropolis to rising water and snakes. 

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four
airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New
Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky! 

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much
worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to
you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho