[Vision2020] "Real Time with Bill Maher" New Rules (September 2, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

>From "Real Time with Bill Maher" of September 2, 2005 -

------------------------------------------------------------

MAHER: All right, it's time for New Rules, everybody. All right, New Rule:
Now that they've been hit by hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to
call up President Bush. Since he never really reported for duty back then,
get out your chainsaw, Mr. President, it's brush-clearing time. 

New Rule: If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military
audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope and tell the Marines that
the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop
shortage in Iraq? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops
with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar
girl in Thailand. I'm mad now! 

New Rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion. 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards. 

You know, I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly
trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher - no
matter how much his mustache tickled. 

And finally, New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it
to the American Revolution. 

DYSON: Thank you, thank you. 

MAHER: Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our
founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of
Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of
Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots
of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same
equipment. 

Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American
Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against
an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly
what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!


DYSON: Right, right, right. 

MAHER: You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Uh-oh, wait a
second, our teleprompter just went down. [he pulls script out of his jacket]
That's why I always carry it with me. 

DYSON: Bill, you are prepared. 

MAHER: Isn't that something? I have to say, I was never a Boy Scout. I would
have made a damn good one. No, no, I don't need your cards. I've got it
right here. 

DYSON: Bill, direct FEMA. Let him direct FEMA! 

MAHER: The only people on our side: England. Turns out, home field
advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to
the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same
parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but
Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible. 

But Iraq, you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in
the desert...oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like
what's going on in Iraq. Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years
of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin's people had not gassed
Hamilton's people. 

Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning
males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd
call that a Republican Convention. 

"We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took
another 200 years to become "We, the Village People..." Or, as Ben Franklin
said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?" 

But I have not lost hope for Iraq. The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness
in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing
that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f*** out of us.

-------------------------------------------------------

Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a
secretary in charge of defense." 

-Unknown