[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (March 4, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

>From last Friday's (March 4, 2005) "Real Time" with Bill Maher:

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All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody. All right. Strap yourself
in: 

New Rule: Get rid of the baby-changing station in the men's room. Let's stop
pretending that it has been or ever will be used. You're only tempting a
short homeless man to use it as a Murphy bed. 

New Rule: After the plane lands, airlines must stop saying, "Thank you for
choosing us." There is no choosing anymore. I took the only flight that left
within eight hours of when I wanted to go by the only other airline that
went there. Choosing! Nobody chooses Southwest. Southwest chooses you! If I
need to be in Spokane, Washington, by tomorrow morning, I either take the
flight I'm given or I mail myself in a FedEx box! 

New Rule: Talentless teenagers who exist to amuse us must keep up in the
battle to be the dippiest twit. It's been over a week since Paris Hilton's
topless cell phone pictures ended up on the Internet. Isn't it about time
Britney Spears did something trashy? Come on, honey, use your imagination. I
don't know, let the wind blow your pants off-or have a miscarriage in a
liquor store-or get a "dee-vorce" from Butt-head! The ball's in your trailer
court! 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn. 

And finally, New Rule: Just because you've got a job for life doesn't mean
you have to do it for life. It's well and proper that we venerate our
elders, but give it a freakin' rest! To everything there is a season, turn,
turn, turn! A time to reap, a time to sow, and a time to pack it in, put on
a housecoat and fall asleep in front of the Golf Channel! 

Now, I know it must be hard to give up your job when your job is literally
sitting on a throne or being on a Supreme Court or keeping women out of your
priesthood to make room for the gays. But at some point it starts to look
like you think of yourself as indispensable. And no one is indispensable,
including you, Mister Infallible! 

I don't want to say the Pope is out of it, but last week, he said two "Our
Fathers" and three "Proud Marys." 

And Queen Elizabeth, your son has been waiting so long to be king, even his
mistress is a senior citizen. Boy. Queen for 53 years, that's a good run.
Second only to "Cats." But now it's time to kick off those royal slippers,
smell the English roses and spend some time with those Nazi grandkids. 

I don't understand, America. We work until you have a stroke; then we put
you in a retirement home with a Haitian nurse, and after you die, we fight
over your estate, turn you into Soylent Green and eat you. There's hardly
any time to enjoy the Cialus. 

You know who knows how to live? Titans of industry. Ray Kroc, Colonel
Sanders, Dave from Wendy's. None of them spent their golden years tied to a
desk. They all died of heart disease from eating their own food.

In conclusion, there is a reason that names like Cary Grant, Joe Dimaggio,
Johnny Carson, inspire a special kind of awe. Because they all did something
that made them more beloved than anyone else: they left! They left! They
didn't make us all pretend to yawn to get them to leave the party. They
looked around, as all of us will someday, and said, "I've done my part, I've
said my piece, and I'm finally deaf enough to stand being home all day with
my spouse!"

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Just Another Left Wing Intolerista Liberal Elitista Wacko Nutjob Loose on
the Palouse Doing What Comes Natural

"What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they
are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say
about their cause, but what they say about their opponents."

-- Robert F. Kennedy