[Vision2020] War on... (Andy Borowitz)

[Ron Force]

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

U.S. MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAQ AND GAY MARRIAGE AT THE SAME
TIME
War on Obesity Also in Jeopardy, White House Concedes

Signaling a shift in strategy, the White House acknowledged today that the
United States may not possess adequate forces to wage war against Iraq and
gay marriage at the same time.

In the past, Pentagon planners had always formulated their budget requests
on the assumption that the U.S. must be able to fight the insurgency in Iraq
and the rising tide of gay marriages at home simultaneously, but that
calculus has changed, the White House said.

In a press briefing, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged the difficulties
of trying to wipe out the insurgency and gay weddings at the same time: "It
turns out that these insurgents are more determined than we originally
expected, and so are these damn gay couples."

Mr. McClellan also raised the possibility that the insurgency in Iraq could
prevent the U.S. from continuing to fight the war on obesity.

"Let's face it, folks," Mr. McClellan said. "For the near term at least, we
may be looking at a gayer, fatter America."

Mr. McClellan's statements drew a sharp rebuke from Dr. Charles Helsinger, a
persistent critic of the Pentagon who believes that the proposed shift in
strategy is short-sighted: "While we are in Iraq, why don't we try to take
out a few gay weddings and fat people over there? The time has come for
these Pentagon pinheads to think outside the box."