[Vision2020] I can't drive 45

[Joan Opyr]

Dear Visionaries:

In light of the ongoing argument over city zoning ordinances as they 
apply to New St. Andrews College and the Central Business District, I 
want to get my oar in here and say that, from now on, I intend to drive 
70 miles per hour past the Moscow Cemetery.  Yes, I know it's zoned 45; 
I got a speeding ticket there about seven years ago, but it is my firm 
conviction that 45 mph is unreasonable.  Not only that, but it's 
inconvenient and aesthetically unappealing.  Let's face it: the 
cemetery is the ultimate derelict zone.  It's full of dead people.  Why 
should I drive slowly past them?  They don't care.  It's not like 
they're going to stumble out in front of my car, or, if they do, then I 
need to run over them.  I've seen "Shaun of the Dead."  When faced with 
a zombie attack, your best bet is a fast car . . . or a collection of 
old vinyl.  (Note: Prince and the Revolution albums are very effective 
against the undead.  Just remember, when throwing a record at a zombie, 
it's all in the wrist action.  Think Frisbee . . . and, uh, beheading.)

Other good reasons to drive 70 mph past the cemetery: I like driving 
fast, and I have a fast car.  The speedometer on my fast car says that 
it will do 120.  Paradise Ford sold me this fast car, knowing full well 
that it would haul ass.  Bank of America loaned me the money for my 
fast car without any restrictions like "You must drive the speed 
limit."  Nationwide insured me, also without a warning, and the Latah 
County Department of Motor Vehicles licensed my speed-mobile.  
Furthermore, in the course of my 13 years living here in Moscow, I have 
been issued not one but three Idaho state driver's licenses.  If I'm 
not supposed to drive fast, then why have I gotten the go ahead from my 
car salesman, my bank, my insurance company, and the DMV?  Under the 
circumstances, I believe that my assumption of speed-by-right is 
entirely reasonable.

So, 70 past the graveyard it is.  What's that you say?  What will I do 
if I get a ticket?  Sure as a cat's got an ass, I won't pay it.  
Instead, I'll take my ticket to the City, and I'll ask them to rezone 
the cemetery stretch of Highway 8.  This is not my problem; it's their 
problem.  The City must accommodate my need for speed!  That 45 mph is 
not about enforcement, folks; it's about persecuting people with shiny 
new cars.  It's about a bunch of bicycle-riding, Latah Trail-walking 
hippies being jealous of my midnight blue Ford Freestyle with its V6 
engine and its extra-smooth CVT transmission.  It's about god-hating 
secular humanists interfering with my lead-footed worship of Steve 
McQueen.  I mean, when is enough, enough?  I never thought I'd find 
myself on the side of Richard Petty, but what next?  Will we be burning 
Mustang Fastbacks in the middle of Friendship Square?

I paid a lot of money for my speedy car.  Instead of buying a Ford 
Freestyle, I could have bought 540 pairs of Birkenstock sandals, but 
no: I chose to drive.  I chose to burn gasoline.  I chose to exercise 
my Steve-McQueen-is-god-given right to waste fossil fuel, and I am 
telling you loudly and clearly that I resent any attempt on the part of 
the state or the county or the citizens of Moscow to abridge that 
right.

Look -- I purchased a vehicle that seats seven people and has room for 
two wind-loving dogs in the way back.  It's a lovely car.  It's 
comfortable, and -- here's the kicker -- my speedy car is clearly good 
for Moscow's economy.  (How do I know this?  My evidence is entirely 
anecdotal, but I expect the City to take it at face value.  Forget 
about an economic impact study or anything scientific like that.  I'm 
throwing a pity party here, and you're all invited.)  Right.  Here's my 
economic argument: I buy my gas at the Tesoro station on the 
Moscow-Troy Highway.  Now, because I drive so fast and thus waste fuel, 
I spend a lot more money at Tesoro than those 
environmentally-conscious, secular slow-pokes in their hybrids.  Also, 
when I go in to pay for my gas, I occasionally buy a Rockstar Energy 
Drink and a pack of Ding-Dongs.  Speed makes you hungry; everybody 
knows that.  So, I pay sales tax on my gas, I pay sales tax on my junk 
food, and I'm putting money in the pockets of the Tesoro station owners 
who, in turn, paying property tax to the City of Moscow.  It's a 
win-win-win situation!

Of course, I don't expect the Moscow City Council will tear up my 
speeding ticket right away.  I know that the secular liberals of the 
People's Republic of Moscow are going to fight me tooth and nail on 
this.  They're going to object to my speeding because they secretly 
hate Steve McQueen.  They'll point out that he once gave Ali McGraw a 
black-eye and that he was a violent, sexist, male chauvinist pig.  
They're also going to claim that I'm a road hazard; that I'm an 
accident waiting to happen; that I don't care about deer or skunks or 
dogs or cats.  They're going to argue that the Latah Trail's many 
walkers and bicyclists cross the road at the eastern edge of the 
cemetery, right at the corner of Highway 8 and Mountain View.  They're 
going to say that, sooner or later, I'm bound to mow one down.  And 
then the City Council, faced with the hideous threat of actually having 
to make a decision about enforcement, will hem and haw and make 
poo-pooing noises about incivility, the tragedy of divisiveness, and 
the sad state of our once happy community.  Someone will probably make 
a motion that we allocate $7500 to the "Let's Sing Kumbaya Project," 
which will thankfully be tabled, and then someone else will talk 
irrelevantly about squirrels or palm reading or leash laws or the many 
charms of Heidelberg, Germany, and then, ultimately, the City Council 
will punt.  They'll kick this issue downstairs to the Transportation 
Committee, or to Planning and Zoning, or to some other group of unpaid, 
volunteer, civic-minded saps faster than you can say, "I don't want to 
do my job."

I pity that punt committee, whatever it is, because I'm not going to 
give up on this.  I'm not going to slow down.  I am the reincarnation 
of Bullitt!

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
www.auntie-establishment.com

PS: Coming soon to a vanity press near you -- The Heterosexual Agenda 
And Its Odious Effects on Lesbian Speed Demon Steve McQueen Fans.