[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (9/17/2004)

[Tom]

>From Real Time with Bill Maher

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And it is time now for our New Rules, ladies and gentlemen! 

All right, New Rule: Let someone else in Florida hand out the bottled water. We 
get it. You care. You two would rub lotion on an old Jewish woman's ass if she 
was registered. But come on, George has bigger problems back in Washington. And 
Jeb, well, elections don't fix themselves. 

New Rule: Stop building "f*ck-you-mobiles." A company called International is 
offering a pickup truck that is twice as heavy as the Hummer and so bad for the 
environment you can actually watch the sky falling in your rearview mirror. 
They call it the "image enhancer" for - quote - "folks who just want more." In 
other words, "assholes." But at a cost of a hundred grand, wouldn't it just be 
cheaper to go ahead and get the penis enlargement surgery? 

New Rule: Stop with the "Taxachusetts." You know, it wasn't funny the first 
billion times. And besides, the obvious point that John Kerry didn't write the 
state's tax code, 35 states have a higher tax burden than Massachusetts. People 
in Montana pay more in taxes. From now on, I'm calling Montana, "Taxatana"! How 
do you like that Governor Judy Martz?! You and your free-spending ways disgust 
me! What are you? French?! 

New Rule: Don't do things that feed the negative stereotype people have about 
your ethnic group. If you're a Latin, don't do something hot-tempered like 
throwing chairs at baseball fans. I'm Irish. You don't see me throwing up on 
them. 

And finally, New Rule: Let's stop re-fighting the Vietnam War on the campaign 
trail and re-fight it where it'll do some good: in Vietnam. That's right. Let's 
stop dicking around and just re-invade Vietnam! 

MAHER: I don't know if you've noticed what's been going on lately, but people 
don't talk this much about Vietnam in Vietnam! We are obsessed. I feel bad for 
Iraq! Usually when a war gets that little attention, it involves Africans. Boos 
into applause, a rarity. 

Look, Americans need to work out our Vietnam issues. And like all nuanced, 
complicated questions, there's really just one simple answer to this one, and 
it drops from the belly of a plane. Sorry, Vietnam, but if we can have pre-
emptive war, we can have post-mortem war. Oh, yes, remember what Dick Cheney 
says: "America must make no distinction between terrorists and those who harbor 
them." And those who do not! 

Exactly. We must never allow ourselves to be at the mercy of terrorists, rogue 
states or countries that have similar geometric shapes to countries that are 
thinking of getting WMD's. 

Now, some of you are saying, "Bill, we can't bomb Vietnam. Who's going to make 
our sneakers?" And if no one makes the sneakers, who's going to make the big 
endorsement deals? And without those, how do basketball players pay for their 
pricey rape lawyers? Yes, it's like a row of dominoes. And that's why they call 
it Vietnam. 

Vietnam, the one we didn't win. But this time we will win, because I don't know 
if you read the papers, but since Vietnam, we have mastered this whole guerilla 
insurgency thing. No longer a problem. Plus, Vietnam doesn't have any weapons 
of mass destruction, any links to 9/11 or any ties to Al Qaeda. They're 
practically asking for it! 

But... this isn't about them anyway. It's about us and our need for closure and 
resolution. And that other stuff people who can't afford Paxil are always 
talking about. This will allow us to move forward into a shining future, so 
that decades from now, when the president, whichever of the Bush twins it is 
can face the voters and say, "Our national nightmare is over. Vietnam is behind 
us. Now, let's go kick the shit out of Peru!"


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