[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (October 15, 2004)

[Your Favorite Liberal Elitista]

All right. That's it, it's time for New Rules. Ready? 

New Rule: Stop saying over and over, "he can run, but he can't hide" about John 
Kerry, since it's the exact same thing you said about Osama bin Laden, who 
clearly can hide. Boy, can he hide. We can't find him with cruise missiles, 
satellites, or million dollar bribes. Although oddly enough, he is reachable 
through classmates.com. 

New Rule: Mount St. Helens has to either blow up or shut up. We get it, you're 
America's celebrity volcano. I say we kill two divas with one stone, and the 
next time Mount St. Helens starts to blow... we throw Paris Hilton in it! 
Racist... bitch. Did you hear that shit? 

New Rule: The Bravo network has to come out of the closet. First it was "Boy 
Meets Boy," then "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," and now they're newest 
offering, "Manhunt," where male models skydive in their underwear. Hey, one 
sign your network may be gay is when it's literally raining men. You know, one 
guy actually tried to score with another guy in mid-air, but his chute wouldn't 
open. [long beat] Okay... 

New Rule: No puppet fucking. The "South Park" guys have a new movie 
called "Team America," which features graphic sex scenes between marionettes. 
Hey, you know what? If I had any interest in wooden sex with strings attached, 
I'd get married. 

New Rule: And this is the hardest New Rule I have ever had to deliver, and I 
know a lot of you aren't going to like this, but here it is. Let Bush win! I'm 
sorry. I know it's terrible to say that. But like every other swing voter in 
America, I got to think about the issues that are important to me. And to me 
the most important issue is... having an erratic jackass in the White House! 

"Rocky 3" isn't any good if he doesn't have Mr. T to fight with. A satirical 
tackling dummy like George Bush doesn't grow on trees. Without Bush, who will 
America's schoolchildren have to look down on? And folks, this isn't just me, 
you might ask yourselves, without George Bush around, where does the hate go? 

Folks, I see the catharsis in a live audience every time I ridicule our 
president when I do my stand-up on the road - as I will be Friday, November 
12th, at Eastern Michigan University in Ypsilanti. A hate, like Bush, only 
comes once in a lifetime. And when it walks through the door, you grab it and 
hold on tight, and never let it go. Without George Bush, my job will be... 
hard. 

It'll be hard work! I'll have to search both internets. Therefore, for the next 
three weeks, I will be formally working for the re-election of the president, 
who I probably have been too hard on anyway! I mean, come on, we all make 
mistakes! Who amongst us hasn't bombed the wrong country, or united the world 
against us. We're all human! 

We try to learn from our mistakes by never acknowledging them, and then moving 
on. So... So, come on, liberals! Join me in getting behind... George Bush. Huh? 
Aw, come on, let's stay the course! The world is safer without Saddam, you 
can't deny that one! Flip-flopper, he's a flip-flopper. 

All right, it's lame, but... but what about values? Real estate values? Please! 
People! I have a mortgage, okay?: I have a family to feed. Not a family, but 
people who call me daddy, it's the same thing. What do you want from me?! Do 
you want me to say it out loud? Fine! I'll say it! I need George Bush! Please 
let him win this election. If for no other reason than for once in his life, he 
should have to clean up his own mess! Thank you very much. 


---------------------------------------------
This message was sent by First Step Internet.
           http://www.fsr.net/