[Vision2020] heresy in the name of Debbie

[Debbie Gray]

Do I qualify for my own religion now, like Carl and Joan??

>From the New Yorker, a bit of cute...

Debbie

>THE GOSPEL OF DEBBIE
>by PAUL RUDNICK
>Issue of 2004-03-08
>Posted 2004-03-08
>
>Recent works like "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Da Vinci
>Code" seek to illuminate the life of Jesus. Not long ago, an
>additional text was discovered in an ancient linen backpack found in
>a cave outside Jerusalem, surrounded by what appeared to be
>early-Roman candy wrappers and covered with stickers reading "I
>[heart] All Faiths" and "Ask Me About Hell." A parchment diary found
>inside the backpack appears to contain the musings of one Debbie of
>Galilee. Many of the pages are still being translated from
>high-school Aramaic; here are some persuasive excerpts:
>
>
>
>October 5
>
>I saw him in the marketplace! Everyone says that he's the son of
>God, but I don't care one way or the other because he's just so
>cute!!! O.K., he's not hot like a gladiator or a centurion, but he's
>really sensitive and you can tell that he thinks about things and
>then goes, "Be nice to people," and I'm like, that is so true, and I
>wonder if he's seeing anyone!
>
>
>
>October 21
>
>Everyone says that he's just totally good and devoted to all
>humanity and that he was sent to save us and that's why he doesn't
>have time for a girlfriend, although I swear I saw Mary Magdalene
>doodling in the sand with a stick, writing "Mrs. Jesus Christ" and
>"Merry Xmas from Mary and Jesus Christ and All the Apostles," with
>little holly leaves all around it. And I'm like, Mary, are you
>dating Jesus? and she says, no, he's just helping me, and I'm like,
>you mean with math? and she's like, no, to not be such a whore. And
>I said, but that is so incredibly sweet, and we both screamed and
>talked about whether we like him better when he's healing the lame
>or with a ponytail.
>
>
>
>December 25
>
>I wanted to get him the perfect thing for his birthday, so I asked
>Matthew and he said, well, myrrh is good, but then Luke said, oh
>please, everyone always gives him myrrh, I bet he wishes those wise
>men had brought scented candles, some imported marmalade, and a nice
>box of notecards. So I go, O.K., what about accessories, like a new
>rope belt or clogs or like I could make him a necklace with his name
>spelled out in little clay letters? and Mark said, I love that, but
>Luke rolled his eyes and said, Mark, you are just such an Assyrian.
>So I go to see Mary, Jesus' mom, and she said that Jesus doesn't
>need gifts, that he just wants all of us to love God and be better
>people, but I asked, what about a sweater? and she said medium.
>
>
>
>January 2
>
>Oh my God, oh my God, I couldn't believe it, but I was right there,
>and Jesus used only five loaves of bread and two fish to feed
>thousands of people, and it was so beautiful and miraculous, and my
>brother Ezekiel said, whoa, Jesus has invented canapés and I said
>shut up! And then my best friend Rachel asked, I wonder if he could
>make my hair really shiny, and I said, you are so disgusting, Jesus
>shouldn't waste his time on your vanity, and then Jesus smiled at me
>and I'm telling you, those last seven pounds, the stubborn ones,
>they were totally gone! And I spoke unto the angry Roman mob and I
>said, behold these thighs! Jesus has made me feel better about me!
>
>
>
>March 12
>
>Everyone is just getting so mean. They're all going, Debbie, he is
>so not divine, Debbie, you'll believe anything, Debbie, what about
>last year when you were worshipping ponchos? And I so don't trust
>that Judas Iscariot, who's always staring at me when I walk to the
>well and he's saying, hey, Deb, nice jugs, and I'm like, oh ha ha
>ha, get some oxen.
>
>
>
>April 5
>
>So Mary Magdalene tells me that Jesus and all the apostles had this
>big party and that it got really intense and Jesus drank from this
>golden goblet and now it's missing and the restaurant is like, this
>is why there's a surcharge.
>
>
>
>April 23
>
>It's all over. And it's been terrible and amazing and I don't know
>what any of it means or who's right and who's wrong but maybe I'll
>figure it out later. Anyway, I'll always remember what Jesus said to
>me. He said, Debbie, I can foresee that someday you'll meet someone,
>someone wonderful, but for right now let's at least think about
>college.