[Vision2020] It's better, girls, to love the Marlboro Man . . .

[Joan Opyr]

Citing an Oxford University study that no one else seems to have heard of, 
Gary Bauer, former Republican presidential candidate, current president of 
the right-wing political activist group American Values, and all-around 
bug-eyed freak, this week warned a smoke-free but gay-tolerating public that 
homosexuality is much more dangerous than smoking.  Listen up, kiddies:

". . . the government has an obligation to promote public policy that is 
best for the general welfare and to discriminate against behaviors that 
adversely impact society and public health. Tobacco use is heavily regulated 
by the state and smoking is strongly discouraged.  A major study conducted 
by Oxford University demonstrated that homosexual conduct is three times 
more deadly than smoking.  Homosexual behavior is fraught with adverse 
health affects.  Again, this is not opinion, but documented medical fact.  
Public policy must not be ignorant of medical facts associated with this 
lifestyle and from a public policy perspective, the behavior should not be 
encouraged by affording it the status of marriage."

At last!  Traditional family values meet public health policy, circa 1953.  
Joe Camel for Surgeon General!  Pass the ciggies, please, full strength, no 
filter.  I find that any barrier between me and my tobacco interferes with 
complete, God-approved, safer-than-sex, not to mention more relaxing, oral 
gratification.  Ah, that's better.  Tar.  Nicotine.  Arsenic.  Formaldehyde. 
  Puff, puff, puff.

Now (gesturing with cigarette like Bette Davis in All About Eve) let me tell 
you something, Gary Bauer.  You need to slow down.  You need to pay 
attention.  You need to take that blindfold off of Mrs. Bauer.  Because I 
tell you what my ugly little friend, it doesn't matter if you're gay or 
straight -- if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

"Fasten your seatbelts.  It's going to be a bumpy night."

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment

PS: My grandmother fell off her dinosaur the first time she heard that sex 
and smoke joke.  Did I mention, though, that the dinosaur was Gary Bauer?

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