[Vision2020] Merry Christmas (I think)

[Joan Opyr]

Keely writes:  

"As the only person on this list who has spent time one-on-one in person with both Joan Opyr AND Jerry Falwell -- yes, it's true -- and as a worshipper of Jesus Christ, who I will see in person some day, let me just say that once again, Joan hits several nails right on the head with her rhetorical hammer.  Her postscript is what I should have engraved on my Christmas cards."

Dear Keely: could you please lie and say instead that you've met both me and Jimmy Swaggart?  I really, really want more than one degree of separation between me and Jerry Falwell.  Better a toupeed Pentecostal who can't lay off the prostitutes than a fat Baptist who can't lay off the doughnuts.  That last one just hits too close to home.  Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme . . . the plain glazed call to me across the years and in my sleep.  I can never truly be free.  But I digress.   

Keely continues:

"O'Reilly's idea that Christmas celebrates the birthday of "Jesus the philosopher" is pathetic.  No one who worships Christ as Lord believes him to be just an especially enlightened philosopher, and those who don't worship him don't care.  So, really now, is it a hallmark (no pun intended, Joan) of true devotion to empty the Savior of all that Christians believe him to be and then fill up the holiday with the excreta of commercialism, just so we can triumphantly say that we're a "Christian" nation celebrating his birth?  Jesus as mannequin, mascot, mammon or man -- why bother?  Wouldn't Jesus prefer that he be worshipped in spirit and in truth by those called by his name, rather than as a float or a giant balloon in the Macy's parade of false piety that Christmas in the U.S. has now become?"

Sister, let me give you an amen!  I was up shopping in Spokane yesterday and, after several hours of happily participating in the crushing festival of greed, I saw a Lexus in the World Market parking lot with a "What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker.  Now, as you all have cause to know, I operate on a fairly short fuse.  There it was, and there I was, and so I thought, well, I think I'll have this freak paged in the store and tell her what Jesus would do: he wouldn't drive a Lexus.  He wouldn't be out shopping.  He wouldn't be filling a cart with vanilla candles and holiday beers or looking around for an imitation poinsettia because last year the cat ate the real one and spent three days in the WSU veterinary hospital, and phew, what a whopping bill that was!  But then I thought, no, why bother?  Instead, I gave five dollars to a drunk at a bus stop with a cardboard sign that said "Help the homeless."   

Now, perhaps you're asking yourselves did I feel morally superior to the Lexus driver?  Of course I did; I'm only human.  But I also felt a little queasy because the drunk was coughing into a juicy-looking handkerchief, and I couldn't find my travel bottle of hand sanitizer.  Then, hypocrite that I am, I went into the World Market and bought a shit-load of useless chotchkes, enough to buy every homeless alcoholic on North Division Street a three-day turpentine binge.

Hark unto me, ye bumper sticker, Christmas card, and billboard writers, ye people with the sign of the fish on your car: Jesus is not the reason for the season.  The reason for the season is that it's dark, the days are short, and we are under the mistaken impression that we can buy our way out of perdition.  The reason for the season is not that Jesus was a great philosopher but that wishing one another "Merry Socrates" and drinking hemlock instead of eggnog is never going to catch on.  If you believe that Jesus is the Messiah; if you believe that Jesus is God, then stop putting God on the back of your car and splashing him with mud.  You are not making converts.  You are not demonstrating your strong and abiding faith.  What I strongly suspect is that you're pissing God off.

God knows you're getting to me.

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment Get more from the Web.  FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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