[Vision2020] Can we call him the Stinkster?

[Joan Opyr]

>From Moscow's newest gossip columnist:

>Dr. Nick Gier, local intolerista agitator, and author of God, Reason, and the Evangelicals: The Case Against Evangelical >Rationalism was recently seen on Conestoga St. in Moscow, looking to link up with Charles Nolan, publisher of J.C. >Ryle's great work entitled Holiness. Subsequent events indicated that they did in fact find each other. Charles Nolan >also recently appeared in World magazine as a "knowledgable witness" on the tax exemption fracas. Since he was not >formally connected to those proceedings, we can only surmise other strange alliances gave him a special esoteric >knowledge.  -- Posted by Douglas Wilson, to his blog, 8/16/04.


I'm sorry Tom, Wayne, Jack, et al., but I have to disagree with you.  This isn't evidence of paranoia; it's a charming return to the small town Southern tradition of spying (and reporting) on one's neighbors.  As recently as 1991, when I last lived in North Carolina, little newspapers like the Four Oaks Gazette had a special column devoted to what was called "society news."  This consisted of scintillating stories like, "On Friday night, Mr. and Mrs. Red Neck of 1313 High Colonic Lane were joined at supper by Mrs. Maybelle Colitis of Goldsboro.  They enjoyed a hearty meal of baked possum, RC Cola, boiled peanuts and moon pies before embarking on a game of pull-my-finger.  Mr. Neck, who is reported by friends, relatives, and near neighbors to be 'straight-piped,' won the game resoundingly."

Doug, who is a published admirer of Southern hospitality, must be familiar with this kind of reporting, and I have to admit that I am myself a fan  It saves wear and tear on the drapes (all that rubbing back and forth on the curtain rod caused by peeping out) not to mention phone calls to friends to find out whose Buick that is in Mrs. Flabbergast's driveway.  Better by far to have that vital information online!  I only wish I could be an active participant, but alas, I don't live on Conestoga.  I live at the end of a half-mile long dirt road, and my house is not visible from the road.  What can I do to be a part of this vital information sharing?  Wait . . . I've got it.  I'll self report!

"On Wednesday, Ms. Saundra Lund visited Ms. Mary Joan Opyr at the Opyr-Huskey home.  The ladies drank Diet Coke and ate stale doughnuts, which, as everyone knows, have no carbohydrates.  Ms. Opyr then attempted to foist some of her excess zucchini crop onto Ms. Lund, who kindly took three but left the other four hundred and thirty six.  Ms. Opyr regrets this as her children are steadfastly refusing to eat zucchini bread, zucchini fricasse, zucchini ratatouille, and zucchini surprise -- AKA, zucchini eaten while wearing a blindfold."      

And that's the news from Lake Wobegone.  I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment

PS: Saundra -- come get some zucchini!  I'm begging you!


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